Great Expectations
As you might have gathered, I am not exactly the expert when it comes to long-term commitment.
When I lived in Michigan, I wasn’t remotely ready to settle down and start making babies, but that’s what you do when you graduate from a place like Calvin College. Heaven help you if you were a few years out of school and still relatively unattached. If that was the case, then getting about the business of making babies was assumed to be priority #1. Preferably, just after you’d persuaded someone to sprint down the aisle.* As a result, dating seemed kind of pointless. He’d get instantly serious. I’d get instantly nervous.
New York is different in that regard. Awhile ago I wondered—out loud—if there would be any way for me to wrangle a boyfriend that traveled 75-80% of the time. Ideally I’d see him once or twice a week and within that finite amount of time we would still manage to have all of the Really Important Conversations about Really Important Things. Logically, I knew that dating someone 20% of the time wouldn’t work and yet as soon as I said it, Kristen yelled “I KNOW!” and then we sat and stared at each other like “Seriously, that would be fantastic.”
I am convinced that God has a kicky sense of humor.
First there was the Tim Keller quote. Then there was a sermon dedicated specifically to the subject of idols. Or, the things other than God, that we hinge our identity upon. It was incredibly hard to realize that part of my identity hinges on the fact that I like that I’m irreverent, single and able to live my life pretty much as I please. It also hinges on the expectation that someday, I’ll meet a man who is so outrageously fantastic that I won’t at all mind the sacrifice required to be with him. Ignore for a minute that wanting a marriage (or any relationship) sans sacrifice is biblically unsound, it’s also supremely unrealistic. The truth is this: I dance between two idols. One of independence. One of expectation for the future.
To be perfectly honest, dismantling those idols has been a bit brutal and I’ve spent the last few weeks mulling over the following questions:
- What happens if giving up my independence results in getting burned again?
Answer: Oreos, boxed wine and prayer (i.e. the trifecta of breakup essentials). - When it comes to relationships, how do I temper my hopes of being done with the dating scene (at least for a while) with the more likely reality that my next relationship will be one in a line of other relationships? How then do I work towards being better at dating, managing my own emotions and making sure that I’m carefully considering his as well? How do we avoid damaging each other or our respective communities?
Answer: Intentionally take it slow, use our words, resist the urge to panic if it feels like things are getting serious. - Granted I’m not looking to get married any time soon, but what happens if I never get married? Will I be angry with God?
Answer: Yep. Totally. - Same question, but insert the word “kids”.
Answer: Yep. Totally. - Which expectations are realistic, biblical and necessary? Which are the result of watching one too many rom-com movies?
Answer: Not a clue.
I don’t have the answers. I think half the battle is being aware of the things that you don’t want to submit to God’s authority. The other half, I suppose, is figuring out how to do it anyway.
What idols have you had to give up? How do our friends, families, communities and the media shape the narrative for what we expect of our relationships? How does this help or hurt us?
-SARAH
*One MI friend recently reminded me that “If our goal was to be married. We’d be married.” Which is a roundabout way of saying that there are plenty of unbelievable people that I know, who call the mitten state home and are the exception to my Midwest generalization. You know who you are.
