i kissed dating hello

Inspired by Chanel’s recent post on legacy, we can’t...

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:17:44 -0400

Inspired by Chanel’s recent post on legacy, we can’t get this Nichole Nordeman song out of our heads. It doesn’t have much to do with dating, but it sure is a catchy trip down memory lane. Old school Christian music. Anyone? Anyone?

A Legacy of Love

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:57:30 -0400

I spent this past weekend sweating for 36 hours in the 105-degree heat of Washington, D.C. As many of you know, I don’t sweat as a rule…better yet it’s an act of public policy. I feel about perspiration the way conservatives feel about America’s health care reform—I’m anti to the point of throwing a tea party. However, I willingly suffered the heat this weekend in honor of my first Graham family reunion. Note Exhibit A to the right: photographic evidence of me sweating with my Aunt Rose.

For two days my father’s folks gathered in our nation’s capital to reconnect, relax and remember the history we share. Watermelon and baked macaroni and cheese were involved. It was glorious. And as I looked around at my relatives—all of my aunts and uncles and their children and their children’s children—I couldn’t help but think about I Kissed Dating Hello and our discussions here about relationships.

I’ve been fairly hopeless lately, making it hard to share with you all the hope we have in Christ for a future filled with love (romantic or otherwise) given where my heart’s been. Life can be tough and when you add relational stressors to the mix, the sense of defeat can be suffocating. Like some of you, my parents divorced when I was young and though my relationship status is going strong, I am plagued by an ever-present suspicion that their fracture may have broken my chance of ever developing a healthy, happy relationship. It makes dating difficult when you’re already counting the loss before it’s happened.

But this weekend I had an aha moment, that snapped me awake from the bad dream I’ve been living. Surrounded by my family, full of happy people ready to hug or do the electric slide at a moment’s notice, I realized I am a part of a legacy of love. Despite my parents’ situation, marriages in my family do last—most for 30 years or more. And while that’s no guarantee my eventual nuptials will lead to a lifetime of relational security, it sure as hell increases my odds. And it reminded me that I should always live my life in the context of the larger legacy I am a part of, in the bigger story God is telling.

So what about you? What’s your story? What kind of relational legacy are you a part of and in turn possibly living out for future generations?

-CHANEL

Best. Life Advice. Ever.

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 11:42:51 -0400

Best. Life Advice. Ever.:

Sometimes, life’s little dilemmas are just too much to handle. But what’s a person to do? Well, if you’re smart, you’ll ask singer-songwriter Rachel Zylstra. She’ll give advice on life, relationships, fashion and more, sometimes (almost all the time) in song form at Advice Music. Email your question to advice@rachelzylstra.com.

(Oh, yeah. You can email us, too. We might not sing, but word on the street is we’re pretty savvy about the dating and relationship stuff.)

Too middle-classy to date?

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 08:03:12 -0400

Too middle-classy to date?:

Are pilates classes keeping women single and sexless?

Post-weekend brunch, one of my good friends declared she was no longer working out after reading a New York Times article that hinted at intense fitness being a barrier to women’s sex appeal. With 20-mile a week running schedules, regular Pilates classes and Jillian Michaels’ workout videos, women are increasingly hopping on the fitness bandwagon to get healthy and stay in shape. And while being healthy is certainly sexy, being boyish is not. In other words, we should take care to get into the shape of Christina Hendricks as Joan in “Mad Men,” not Hilary Swank after “Million Dollar Baby.”

Always looking for an excuse to eat another cupcake, I had to read the article myself and share it with you fine folks. The idea came from an op-ed in the New York Times by Camille Paglia about the middle class lifestyle and its impact on the libido of women. And while I’m less interested in getting into the bourgeois bedrooms of middle class America or advocating for a Viagra for women, I do think some of Paglia’s comments on the sexes are worth hearing. She writes,

”[…] Visually, American men remain perpetual boys, as shown by the bulky T-shirts, loose shorts and sneakers they wear from preschool through midlife. The sexes, which used to occupy intriguingly separate worlds, are suffering from over-familiarity, a curse of the mundane. There’s no mystery left.

[…] Furthermore, thanks to a bourgeois white culture that values efficient bodies over voluptuous ones, American actresses have desexualized themselves, confusing sterile athleticism with female power. Their current Pilates-honed look is taut and tense — a boy’s thin limbs and narrow hips combined with amplified breasts. Contrast that with Latino and African-American taste, which runs toward the healthy silhouette of the bootylicious Beyoncé.”

What do you think? Should women cancel their gym memberships and get comfortable with their curves? Are shapely women more attractive than the super fit? Leave us a comment below or send us an email with your thoughts.

-CHANEL

When Love Is a Schlep

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 10:55:31 -0400

Happy Friday, everyone! The women of IKDH have been a traveling band lately: California, Vermont, New Hampshire, upstate NY…and all the moving around (as well as a heads up from a reader on this article) got us thinking about the geography of dating.

Editorial aside:
K: Sarah, you know what else got me thinking about this?
S: That guy from the Lake Champlain ferry…
K: He was more than small-town cute. I’d go the distance for that.
S: Preach.

Anyway, a few months ago a friend brought up a guy she was dating—he apparently had a system of rating his relative affections. The man in question lived in Brooklyn, so if he was only willing to travel the distance covered by our fair borough he’d say that he “Brooklyn-liked her.” The scale of “like” was measured against other various points in the city. According to him, there were downtown levels of like, Midtown levels, and finally the far-removed stretches of upper Manhattan—that sort of affection was serious business.

We can get behind that argument to a degree. Certain sites like eHarmony force you to choose a geographic area of “within a ___ mile radius.” The lowest radius is 30 miles—meaning it’s more likely you’ll be matched with someone from Philadelphia or Connecticut, rather than someone from good ol’ Brooklyn, USA. Since most of us can’t be bothered to go anywhere that’s more than a 15 minute train ride (about 4-5 stops), riding Amtrak or the LIRR represents a significant investment of time, money and sleep deprivation.

It works this way in friendship too, by the way. One of our favorite people in the world didn’t live in Brooklyn and would frequently haul himself to our neighborhood in order to spend time with us. We all get a little misty because we now realize that relative to where he lived, he BROOKLYN loved us. And now he lives here. Which begs the question: when you really love someone, do you pack up and go there?

This same sentiment is reflected in the above article discussing cross-borough relationships. What say you? Does distance or time on a train factor into your willingness to continue seeing a person? If you don’t live in the city, but have tried to date someone a long (or moderate) drive away, how did that impact the relationship? Blow it up in the comments.

-KRISTEN + SARAH

How About We

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 10:37:00 -0400

How About We:

How About We is the latest site to join the ranks of free dating services. We like this one just because it sounds fun. So often first dates default to the standard dinner and drinks when there are far more interesting options available. Why not take a trapeze class together? Your pride is the only thing at stake and let’s be honest, pride is sooo played out. ;)

If anyone decides to give it a shot, please let us know how it goes!

-SARAH

"Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life."

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 16:09:43 -0400

“Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life.”

- Ayn Rand

Long-Term Relationships Get Even Longer

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 11:03:53 -0400

Long-Term Relationships Get Even Longer:

Invest in some chapstick and pucker those lips because according to USA Today, you may have to kiss dating hello a little longer than expected. In a recent article “Dating for a Decade,” Sharon Jayson writes about the increasing number of years couples are waiting to settle into marriage.

The primary reasons she cites as deterrents from early marriage are all the usual suspects:

Money - most young couples lack the funds to pay for a wedding or start a life together
Sex - many couples no longer feel need to wait for the “I do” to enjoy this marital perk
Fear of Commitment - commitment phobes fear someone better may come along if they settle down too soon.

What do you think? Have you noticed a shift in the age your Christian peers are getting married? What are some of the reasons in favor of waiting? What are some reasons it might be better to marry sooner rather than later? Leave us a comment below or send us an email with your thoughts.

why we leave the asking to the men

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 09:00:00 -0400

A few months ago, I chatted with a friend of mine about the logistics of women asking men out. Turns out, we hadn’t the slightest clue of where to begin. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems to me that when a girl asks a guy out, it feels like a big deal simply because she’s flipping standard social norms. Further complicating things? Kristen and Chanel will happily testify that I’m terrible at flirting when I actually like a guy. And by terrible, I don’t mean shameless. I mean bad. Rather than defaulting to my standard sassy self, I get quiet. Odds are solid that if the guy noticed anything, it would simply be that I’d developed a sudden interest in staring at my feet.

Anyway…

Sue and I spent most of our time trying to figure out how to downplay the act of asking, while still being clear about my interest. At least that’s what we started out discussing before things went rapidly downhill.

SUSAN: Wooohoooo. I smell a spring/fall wedding.
SARAH: Hahahahah. Totes. I envision something simple and understated. So maybe ask him out and propose all in the same breath?
SUSAN: At least mention it to him.
SARAH: Right. A simple “Oh just a heads up, I see myself having babies with you” should suffice.
SUSAN: In between ordering drinks and dinner…fit it in.

My tendency to find ironic conversations like this hilarious, may have something to do with why I’m single. Maybe. Who’s really to say. In reality, I wasn’t particularly vested in the outcome. I was curious about a guy, and wondered if that curiosity merited making a move.

My guy friends who weighed in on the subject generally agreed that while they wouldn’t mind being asked out by a girl, they’d likely feel more comfortable if she simply expressed her interest and left the asking to them. Ultimately, I decided to sit tight and see what would happen without me trying to make something happen. Turns out? A whole lot of nothing. He didn’t pick up on the come-hither glances I was throwing his way, and my interest eventually waned. Nevertheless, I still wanted to throw the question out to the men of the internet - do you want to be pursued or would you rather be the pursuer? Feel free to explain your reasoning.

-SARAH

"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities."

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:00:00 -0400

“Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.”

- C.S. Lewis

for my dad

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 09:00:00 -0400

I wrote this post last year for my Dad on Father’s day. I wrote then that I considered him to be a fairly incredible man. It still holds true. When it comes to relationships and love, what are some of the lessons you’ve learned from your Dad? We’d love to hear about it in the comments.

-SARAH

——-

Listening to a voicemail left by my Dad last night, I heard a slight catch in his voice. He’d just landed in Austin on a business trip and I didn’t have the chance to talk to him before he got on the plane. Instead he left me a voicemail to remind me how proud he is of all of us. Voicemails like these aren’t atypical. As easily as he communicates his love for us, it is also true that at a certain point in his life he didn’t think he would ever have a wife and kids.

While the details are (unsurprisingly) fuzzy, I do know that my Dad spent most of his early twenties in a drugged out stupor. Caught between his addictions and his predisposition towards depression, he assumed that his life wouldn’t add up to much. It took a year-long inpatient rehab center for him to get sober. A few years after that, he finally met my mom. They dated for 6 weeks before getting engaged, and have been together for all of the 32 years that followed.

I love my Dad in a non-negotiable sort of way. In my mind, he’s on a pedestal because he deserves to be. Still, our relationship hasn’t always been an easy one. There was a year in high school where he and I fought incessantly. He was justifiably angry at me and was terrified that history was repeating itself in the life of his son. I, on the other hand, was 16 years old and completely unrelenting in the face of his anger. Even then, even as we found each other to be intolerable, I do not remember ever questioning whether or not he loved me.

There are memories like those, and then there is the memory of his shaking voice as he told me in no uncertain terms that it was not OK for me to be cheated on. That I deserved better. That he was so, so sorry for what I was going through and didn’t understand why it had to be this way. My heart was broken so his broke along side of it.

There is his face when he sees his kids after too many months between visits.

The way he watches my mom when she’s not looking. How proud he is of her accomplishments.

For as long as I can remember, my Dad has publicly acknowledged how bad things were in his 20’s to explain why it is that he cherishes so deeply, the life he has now.

He is not the only one.

I will forever be grateful that he managed to beat the odds. That he married my mom, loved her, and created a life worth living. I am proud of him for being the man that he is and for the strength that it took him to become the person I now know. It is the combination of that strength and his willingness to get teared up over his kids, that sets the standard for every other man in my life.

We are the lucky ones, Dad. You are the cherished one.

Call your dad for heaven’s sake. It’s Father’s...

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 00:46:47 -0400

Call your dad for heaven’s sake. It’s Father’s Day. You’re welcome.

-The Ladies of IKDH

Manversation: Mr. Boy Next Door

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 13:23:00 -0400

Age: 28 (brrr… did it just get old in here?)
Current relationship status: “Accounted for”

What qualities catch your eye?
I have a type: “cute.” As previous contributors to the “manversation” have already noted, I think that most us guys already have an idea in our heads of what our eventual bride will be like/look like. But not all of us are picturing someone with super model looks accompanied by a girl next door personality. Some of us are looking for the GND looks accompanied by the GND personality. “Oh, he’s intimidated by super hot women.” Well, no, not really. It’s just that, to me, overt sexiness is synonymous with high maintenance. After all, it takes a lot of work to look amazing all the time and I’d much rather be with someone who can be out the door at a moment’s notice. Also, I’m not the sort who likes be stared at where ever I go. One of my friends was a former Miss Georgia. Whenever we went somewhere all eyes were always on us. I don’t know how her boyfriend stands it. But then again, he’s kind of a pretty boy himself so… anyway, in summation, think Mary-Anne, not Ginger.

What turns you off about Christian women?
Oh, this one is obvious. Because the emphasis in Christian dating is finding a mate and not just having fun, it feels like marriage is always the elephant in the room, even on the first date. That type of pressure can stall things well before they’ve begun.

How are things faring with the ladies, in general?
As you can see from my relationship status, they’re good. But meeting the right person took a lot of time and effort. At some point I realized that I’ve had to work for everything else I’ve wanted in my life, so why would finding the right person be any different? I’d say that being proactive (ahem online dating) and prayer are the two keys. Prayer you ask? Yep, I’ve prayed for everything else I’ve ever really really wanted, so why fix what aint broken?

That last question was just a diplomatic way of getting the dirt. Boy, why you single?
I’m not! I swear!

What is the biggest misconception women have about men?
It’s probably that we all have the same mindset and are looking for the same things. I think both men and women are guilty of stereotyping the opposite sex in this way. I’d advise just taking people on a case by case basis.

What do you wish you understood about women?
Why do you expect men to be psychic detectives? I know I just said we shouldn’t make broad generalizations about the opposite sex, but I’ve yet to date a single girl who didn’t expect me to be able to read her mind from time to time.

Name your shame. Favorite 90’s ballad? Affection for Lifetime movies? Convince us there’s a mortal behind the facade of perfection that you’re currently rocking.
I know I can’t be the only one who knows all the words to “I’ll make love to you” by Boyz II Men. Also, I collect comic books.

[EDITORS NOTE: Who doesn’t appreciate emotional ballads and complex, intricate a capella harmonies? People without souls, maybe.]

Christians who’re dating face all sorts of moral/logistical conundrums. Where (or to whom) do you look for advice and insight?
As you get older I think the huge gap between your parents’ perspective and your own begins to diminish. You find things that they say are actually beginning to make sense. Not that I go to my parents for dating advice, but they’re more than willing to provide it. As the youngest child in a large family, I tend to look to my older siblings for advice. As you grow, you spend so much time trying to differentiate yourself from siblings but being raised in the same house, the same church and by the same parents make you all more similar than you often realize. So it usually turns out that they’ve already experienced whatever it is I’m going through.

It’s not always easy but I also think it’s important to have fellow Christians that you can talk to about topics like sexual intimacy without worry of being judged.

If a girl is interested, what’s her best recourse (other than batting of the eyelashes)?
I think one of the toughest things about Christian dating is the fact that Christian girls tend to be less overt when it comes to romantic interest. I think you should ask yourself, “How is my interaction with this person any different than if I were just their good friend?” This is likely the root cause of stories I’ve seen on IKDH where the girl felt that she was pseudo dating some guy and then suddenly he gets a girlfriend or starts talking about someone else. (Of course Christian guys should probably ask themselves the same question… but we’re not talking about that.)

Should a girl be so bold as to ask you out?
I think it would be fine for a girl to let me know she’s interested in doing something with me outside of church or work or wherever it is that we met. But she should probably still let the guy plan the specifics of the date. A co-worker once approached me and said “Hey, you and I should spend some time together outside of work.” I was pretty clear on what she meant, but the ball was still in my court to do the planning.

What is the biggest difference between dating as a Christian and dating as a non-Christian?
Um, probably that they don’t come up to you and suggestively say: “Hey, you and I should spend some time together outside of work.” Unfortunately the place you’re most likely to meet a nice Christian girl also happens to be where you worship. And in cases where you’ve grown up in the same church, that’s kind of like trying to date your cousin.

How can the church support healthy relationships?
I think that at least talking about them is a good idea. Growing up, I think the only references to love/sex/relationships that ever came from the pulpit were messages of abstinence. There is more to Christian relationships than “not having sex.”

Anything else to add?
I think you need to figure out what you want before you can find it. Happy hunting!

Has something he said sparked any thoughts for you? Leave your comments below. Fellas, want to contribute to the Manversation? Shoot us an email to join in the discussion.

Waiting for Marriage

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 10:42:36 -0400

I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. Falling in love will do that to you. As the emotions intensify and lives become intertwined, the prospect of sex is suddenly everywhere. I taste it in the popcorn my honey buys in advance when I’m running late to the theater to meet him for a movie date. I see it when he stretches tall to grab the bowl from the top shelf of my kitchen cabinets. And as we have worked to maintain the commitment I’ve made for the past 26 years to wait until marriage for sex, it’s been challenging to draw the lines for the physical boundaries of our relationship. Okay yes, sex is off the table. It’s a black and white decision to wait. But oh God, what about the gray?

So after much prayer and some cursory study of my Jr. High School True Love Waits Bible (it was a gift okay!), I’ve taken to the streets and interrogated nearly all of my friends, trying to come to some consensus about what the sexual boundaries are for Christian relationships. After four years of Bible college, did I somehow miss a hidden list of best practices? Or perhaps there’s a King James-style addendum to Scripture that clearly states, “and the man may toucheth her above the shoulder without fault but definitely must backeth off from caressing her hooha.” If there is, I haven’t found it.

What I have found is a beautiful range of opinions, experiences and suggestions from friends also grappling with how to model their sexuality after what God seems to be saying. Some I support, and others I adamantly reject. But all have been helpful in shaping how I think through my own limits as well as those of my partner as we learn to express our love physically in a way that honors God and places His desires for our future above our own.

This past week during my trip to LA, I had the pleasure of talking shop with my high school friend Amber about the boundaries she and her boyfriend Jon have set. The couple was gracious enough to openly share their “rules” with us as a real life example of how some twentysomethings are living. By way of context, I should tell you that both have had sex in past relationships. Undoubtedly their history of going from zero to naked affects their current choices as they march down the road toward marriage.

Here is a sampling of their boundaries:

Never be alone in any house together (e.g. their respective apartments, their parents’ homes, friends’ houses, etc.). If someone leaves, the couple exits the premises and waits outside.
Keep it public. The two rarely spend time alone in their bedrooms and never with the door closed. If they do hang out upstairs, there is no kissing, cuddling, or spooning allowed.
No touching where bathing suits cover. They aren’t talking thongs and speedos here people.
No “parking.” They can sit in a car and talk as long as it’s in an area that’s well-lit.
Limit the time physically spent together. They try not to hang out more than three or four nights a week during the summer. During the school year (he’s an intern for the high school ministry), they hang out two nights a week—one alone doing something fun and one night reading at Starbucks with other friends.

What do you think of these boundaries? Are they being too strict? What are some of the boundaries you’ve set either in current or past relationships that have helped? Leave a comment below or send us an email with your thoughts.

-CHANEL

Dating Advice From Dad

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:25:00 -0400

Because Father’s Day is coming up on Sunday, we thought we’d share what we’ve learned from our dads. Here’s what Kristen has to say:

The sum total of my dad’s advice about men and dating was this:

“Men only want one thing. You tell them to keep their d&#! in their pants, and move on.”

Thankfully, his actions in love are much more robust than his words on dating. This week, my parents celebrate 43 years of marriage. While my dad is far from perfect, he’s a constant reminder of why I have yet to settle for Mr. Good Enough for Right Now.

To understand my parents together, you have to know that as individuals they are complete opposites in every sense of the word. My father has a powerful temper and drops the F-bomb often when provoked (especially by bad calls from NCAA or NBA referees.) My mom likes everyone to get along and says “darn it all” and “oh, shoot.” My dad is sloppy, and you can’t go into his study without stepping on a pile of papers or knocking over a stack of books. The top of his desk hasn’t been seen in years. My mom’s study looks like an Ethan Allan showroom. My dad loves biographies and history books, my mom reads murder mysteries.

It seems, from a distance, that my parents have next to nothing in common. But when I asked my dad recently how he and my mom have survived four decades of marriage, he told me that it was simple. “We have fun together,” he said. While I know from observation that not every day of their lives is a carnival, I do know they enjoy one another’s company. Because my mom is retired, my dad comes home from work to have lunch everyday that she’s not out with her friends so that she has someone to eat with. They have tea on the back porch in the afternoons. Often, no one is saying a word. Simply being in each other’s presence is enough.

And when they part? He watches her go. Literally. My father stands in the doorway of their home and flashes the “I love you” sign with his hands as she pulls out of the driveway. It doesn’t matter if she’s going to play bridge, get her hair done, or leaving town for a few days. He does it every. single. time. And when she comes home, he hears the garage door open and goes out to greet her.

So I won’t settle for anyone who’s less than my father’s example—or God’s. I think I’ll take my dad’s dating advice after all, because in some measure, this non-believing man has modeled for me What Jesus Would Do. Simply put, my father delights in my mother’s presence. He’s shown me that loving someone isn’t about what they can do for you, but what you can do for them. He’s shown me that sustaining a lifelong partnership lies in loving someone so deeply that their needs supersede your own. He’s shown me that you can love someone (and be loved) even if you don’t like each other’s actions all the time.

Happy anniversary to my parents, who make it look easy even when it isn’t. And Happy Father’s Day to the best daddy a girl could ever hope to have.

I realize some of you reading this didn’t have parents who modeled this, but maybe you’ve seen it in other couples. Share with us in the comments how your notions of love and dating have been shaped by the men in your life.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to..."

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 09:00:00 -0400

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

- Erica Jong

refusing to fight

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 09:12:00 -0400

I recently admitted to a friend of mine that when it comes to ending a relationship, I have one basic “rule”: I refuse to fight. If a guy I’m dating mentions he thinks we ought to end things, that’s it. I won’t argue the point or attempt to convince him that we ought to work things out. Even if I’m happy in that relationship. Even if I’m of the general opinion that we should give it another shot.

This rule is rooted in my basic belief that relationships are a choice. You choose to invest. You choose to work through your issues and on certain days, you choose to continue loving each other even as the walls fall down around you.

He asked if I sincerely believed that my rule was fair and pointed out that sometimes, those we love need to be reminded that we consider them worth fighting for. He wasn’t suggesting that I pander to game-playing, wherein a the threat of a breakup is used as a sort of negotiating tactic. He was simply encouraging me to take careful stock of my relationships before automatically conceding defeat. Taking such a bold stance isn’t without personal cost. Don Miller articulated the sacrificial and terrifying nature of relationships when he said,

“I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you.”

There is something about this that rings true to me. And yet, I have historically refused to take many of those risks. I have refused to look someone in the eye and tell them that for whatever weight it carried - I still wanted to fight. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I thought it wasn’t worth the trouble. Maybe I was too hurt by their refusal to fight for me.

Our conversation helped me recognize that I can’t unilaterally state that I won’t fight with a guy when it comes to a breakup, or place the full burden of working at our relationship solely on his shoulders. If I feel that strongly about him, he deserves to know.

What do you think? How do you know when to fight for love (or even strongly like)? When do you let it go and chock it all up to experience? If you have thoughts to share, leave us a comment below or email us.

-SARAH

Your New Secret Weapon

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 14:06:57 -0400

I’m not saying that just because my name is “Cocoa Chanel” I’m some kind of style expert. But in the spirit of my namesake, I’m not afraid to toss around a bit of fashion advice. I’ve been salivating over these puppies since I got the email alert about their arrival last week. Ladies, I present to you your new summer ticket to getting a man: TOMS wedges.

I like to think of TOMS wedges as a Christian gal’s new way to tell a man, “Yeah I have great legs, but I also care about helping poor children in Brazil, Jesus-style.” Who knows? Maybe Hotty McHotster Blake MyCoskie will see you in a pair and propose on the spot. #CouldHappen

-CHANEL

"Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can..."

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 09:00:00 -0400

“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.”

- Henri Nouwen

Flying Into God's Goodness

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 22:06:00 -0400

Tonight I’m on a plane to Los Angeles for an obligatory weekend wedding extravaganza. My two best friends from Biola University are getting hitched (one ties the knot this weekend and the other is celebrating her bridal shower in preparation for her upcoming nuptials.) These are the same girls who swore we’d grow old together, sharing dreams of sleeping in bunk beds in a creepy old house in Orange County like a trio of spinsters with stacks of great novels crowding the living room because, in the spirit of our favorite author J.D. Salinger, marriage was for phonies.

So as I sit here enjoying Virgin America’s wi-fi en route to LA (while my friends no doubt finalize last minute details to enter marital bliss) I’m kind of taken aback by God’s character.

You see, my girlfriend who’s pledging her life to a Southern gentlemen tomorrow afternoon has never dated anyone else. He was her first date, her first kiss, her first love, her first everything. And tomorrow she’ll walk down the aisle as if it’s a perfectly natural thing to do.

And my friend who is exchanging vows with a former coworker this fall wasn’t even initially attracted to her future husband. He pursued her for months while she repeatedly turned him down until one day deciding she couldn’t live without him. It was never supposed to happen this way.

I guess what I’m saying is this whole business of marriage has reminded me of one basic tenet in life we must keep top of mind when we consider kissing dating hello: there is an inevitability to God’s goodness. Outside of our timing, beyond our knowledge or foresight, God is always working toward the good of those who love Him. And though we may accept small lives, content to live in narratives with no drama, and no real arc, we can trust He is always writing a bigger story.

So if you’re feeling discouraged or simply uncertain about what the future may hold for you in terms of relationships, let me tell you, love is possible. Because if these characters can settle down into lifelong relationships, you sure as hell have got a chance.

Have a fabulous weekend!

-CHANEL