i kissed dating hello

"I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’d rather eat Pringles and conduct a careful review of my..."

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:00:00 -0500

“I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’d rather eat Pringles and conduct a careful review of my Netflix queue.”

- Sarah, on kissing dudes she doesn’t actually like.

Praying for a Date: Creepy or What?

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:03:00 -0500

I’ve always been vehemently against the idea of praying for a spouse. No matter how sincere they sound, “Dear Baby Jesus, please bring me a husband” prayers give me the heebie jeebies. It’s always felt like something “desperate girls” do but “cool girls” intuitively know is wrong—you know? Like how real women know tights aren’t pants.

I don’t know what my issue is. Maybe I’m not spiritual enough or maybe it’s just some residual irritation I have from my Christian college days, but bringing my desire for romance before God always felt like I was placing an unnatural amount of importance on finding a relationship. Wouldn’t that energy be better spent buying a new pair of heels? Or even on a spiritual note, doesn’t it seem like God would rather we spend time praying for clean drinking water in Sub-Saharan Africa than someone to smooch with on Saturday nights?

So for years, I’ve prayed around the issue. I asked for things like peace to deal with being single or deep friendships to fill my time without a guy by my side. And in time, I got all of those things (in abundance!), but never the man I really wanted.

Then last year God hit me with a 2x4 in the midst of a sermon series at church. He said, “You do not have because you do not ask.” (Matthew 6)

Now I don’t want to get all prosperity gospel on you. I know God isn’t Oprah—not everyone in the audience gets a brand new car. But something about that verse stuck with me for weeks. It echoed the sentiment of my favorite verse that comes from Exodus 2:21. Just before the LORD empowers Moses to lead the Israelites out of the oppressive conditions of Egypt, the Bible says, “And the LORD looked down on the Israelites, saw their suffering and was concerned about them.” I love this quality of God’s character—He’s the type of deity who looks down on His people with concern.

He cares about the very details of our lives, and here I was asking for everything but the one thing I desired most. So last fall I prayed one prayer. I said:

“God, I know I’ve kindasortanotreally asked you for this, but this time I’m going to be direct. I want a relationship. I know it won’t complete me; it won’t fix me; it won’t solve all of life’s problems. But I want a guy who I can genuinely and selflessly pour into out of the overflow of love in my life. If You feel my request is motivated by any trace of idolatry that would remove You from Your rightful place in my heart, then forget we ever had this conversation. I trust You know best. K.I.T. Stay cool. Don’t ever change.”

Then I heard nothin’…there was absolute radio silence on the other end for months. Until one day there wasn’t. And I met my honey.

Look, I don’t want to say that I prayed and God gave me a boyfriend. Hell, the poor boy certainly has enough problems to deal with dating me without the pressure of feeling like he is the answer to some crazy prayer I sent out into the ether. But I wanted to share this with you as my own life’s object lesson in obedience.

I believe there is some value to bringing your desire for a relationship before God, as creepy as it may be. Because at the end of the day He wants all of us…even the part that desires something other than Him. And when we acknowledge our hopes in the context of relationship with God, we give Him free reign to bless and shape those desires into something He approves of. At least that’s how it happened for me.

But don’t take my word for it. How do you feel about praying for a date or your future spouse? Is this crazytown territory? Leave a comment below or send us an email at ikisseddatinghello@gmail.com with your thoughts.

-CHANEL

Mailbag Monday

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:15:52 -0500

This wasn’t quite an email, but it’s certainly one of the sweetest comments we’ve received on a post in a while. Thanks NL! Glad to hear you’re enjoying the site.

———

I went to Wheaton College (you know, the “Harvard of evangelical schools?”… HATED it!) I’m a black woman. I’m about to get married. I LOVE this site!!! I remember reading the Joshua Harriss books in high school and being so frustrated. Well actually I appreciated them at the time but became frustrated when I soon realized that they are based in a conservative, right-wing, sexist, eurocentric reality. Not much relevance for me, a black chick, one generation removed from crippling poverty (and watching my grandparents/aunts/uncles deal with the effects of it) not raised in the U.S., with crazy immigrant parents. The book is a fairytale for some white girl in suburbia in a 2-parent home who’s in love with the guitar player in the youth group.

In ANY case. I basically did dating my own way. Stumbled blindly into the crazy world of men after college (there weren’t many “men” at my college… “males” yes. “men” NO!) I’ve made some mistakes, and I’ve done some things that probably weren’t the best idea. I tried to see passed the shroud of religiosity and just accept men for who they were. I was less concerned about whether a man could quote all the write Scriptures, and was fluent in Christianese, and more concerned about whether he was kind to me, gracious to me, and represented the love that God has for the church.

And I found that. And I’m grateful for it. We’re getting married in August.

But had I listened to Joshua Harris, I would still be at home, waiting for a white, guitar-playing, complementarian youth leader to call me up.

It would have never happened.

Just As I Suspected...Don't Move In Together

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0500

Just As I Suspected...Don't Move In Together:

I’m a true English major at heart, but back in college, I was convinced I should become a Marriage and Family Therapist. So during the fall of my junior year I tacked on a minor in psychology and dabbled in a few fun classes like Psychology of Marriage and Human Sexuality. One day you’ll have to remind me to tell you the story of my 70-year old sexuality professor who insisted on telling us Bible college kids about creative uses for KY-Jelly. I’m still traumatized.

Anyway, I digress. One of my favorite projects was researching the effect of cohabiting first (i.e. living together) on the success of a marriage. After countless hours spent in the library leafing through psych journals, articles, and various snippets of research found online, whether the evidence was Christian or secular, I found that the numbers didn’t lie: living together before marriage is a bad idea.

Apparently the NY Times discovered the same thing…Check out this article with their findings on how cohabiting can be detrimental to building a lasting relationship.

-CHANEL

can't compete

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 08:38:23 -0500

FRIEND: It's just... I get more excited to see you than him.
SARAH: Oh. Now that's never a good sign.
FRIEND: I know!
SARAH: I mean, I know I'm *awesome* but you get to makeout with him.

Where We've Been...

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:17:21 -0500

So let’s all talk about the hot pink bedazzled elephant in the room—yes, the ladies have been missing in action lately. We know, we know. It hurts us more than it hurts you. We’ll get back on track soon, but in the meantime, we thought it’d be nice to let you fine folks know what we’ve been up to during our absence:

Three words: Parisian sex hair. That’s right—both Sarah and Kristen got new haircuts by the amazing Candice of Salon V in NYC. Men beware; your heart may skip a beat when you come into contact with these foxy chiquita bananas.
To quote Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon circa 1987, we’re getting “to old for this sh*t!” Last month we had a tri-borough battle in the snow with a bunch of friends from church: now dubbed Snowmaggedon 2010. It’s taken us about a month to recover from what started as a friendly romp in the park and quickly escalated like the fight scene in Anchorman. Sarah may have killed a guy…
We’ve been seeing other websites. Most of you saw Chanel’s article over at BeliefNet last month on “8 Ways Singles Can Celebrate Valentine’s Day”. Well stay tuned because she’s been writing up a storm and you should see more of her work (including some awesome interviews) appearing at BeliefNet and UrbanFaith.
Scrabble has made a comeback. If you own an iPhone, stop what you’re doing right now and go download the “Words with Friends” app. We seriously can’t stop playing this nerdtastic electronic version of our parents’ favorite board game. And we wonder why we can’t get a date… #CanYouSayNerdgasm
Our little boy is all grown up! Burgeoning rock star and faithful friend Zach Williams is heading out on tour next week with Ben Folds. We ladies are pumped about his success, but we’re a little sad to say goodbye to our Brooklyn brother. Not familiar with ZDub? Check out his music here: http://www.zachwilliams.com/
Helping people and stuff. Between supporting our friend Kory’s efforts to help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti with his Thread & Water t-shirt line and our buddy Faith’s ongoing efforts to rescue victims of sex trafficking with her organization Restore NYC, dating has taken a backseat to do-gooding. Is that even word? More importantly, how many Scrabble points would that be? Anyway, whatever it is, we’ve been doing it.

We guess what we’re trying to say is, we’ve been a little busy. But we miss you desperately and we’ve got some juice to share. So keep checking back because we’ll be posting more shortly.

-The Ladies of IKDH

What I'm Looking For...

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 10:55:33 -0500

…just sayin’. HAPPY PRESIDENT’S DAY!

How to Celebrate Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.)

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 14:13:00 -0500

How to Celebrate Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.):

Hello IKDH Family,

If you’ve found yourself staring at lovebirds today and screaming, “I hope the hands you’re holding freeze off in the snow,” it’s a good sign you might be dealing with some singlehood angst this Valentine’s Day.

Never fear, IKDH is always here to help guide you through relational madness. Check out this link for an article our very own Chanel wrote for BeliefNet.com with 8 helpful tips for how to express and experience love while single on Valentine’s Day.

DEBATE

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:16:00 -0500

A while ago, a very concerned reader pointed out that we who are sporting X and Y* chromosomes ought to be perfectly comfortable asking men out our “own damn selves”. In the spirit of that sentiment, we’ll keep things non-gender specific.

Let’s say that Person A asks out Person B.

Person B isn’t interested, for whatever reason. Should they still accept a date in order to give Person A a fair shot at wooing them? Or, is it kinder to decline the offer?

—-

NOTE: Who failed to pay attention in 7th grade science class? *hand raise*

From our friends over at Women’s Health, a little...

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 16:59:55 -0500

From our friends over at Women’s Health, a little “he said, she said” on dating relationships. If you look closely, you’ll see a very good friend of ours. We won’t tell you which one he is, except to say that he really knows how to rock a cardigan.

There was some good, if not exactly earth-shattering advice here. It’s nice to know that most men are chivalrous enough to want to pay on the first date, pragmatic enough to recognize that love doesn’t always come at first sight (that’s lust, kids) and like us to look pulled together, but not as if we’re trying too hard.

Oh…and…the best place to meet someone is out. So if you’re sitting around reading this at home, GO DO SOMETHING. God/the Universe/Oprah isn’t going to help you find love in your sweats on the couch. Just sayin’.

Watch the videos and tell us what you think. Any dating advice to give to the opposite sex in any of these categories? Tell us your dealbreakers, your best pickup lines and the best relationship advice you’ve received (bonus points if it came from one of us.)

-Kristen

Navigating a breakup

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 12:15:00 -0500

Chanel found herself a man. I lost mine.

“Lost” might be the wrong word. I could find him if I needed to.

We dated for a month and when things ended, I was disappointed but not entirely surprised. While there wasn’t anything specifically wrong with the relationship (he was/is great), I was still incredibly nervous about actually dating someone. I mean let’s be real; this site is one giant testament to the fact that I am much better at analyzing relationships than participating in them. So, I prayed that I’d either get comfortable with working through my stuff or that God would end it if it wasn’t the right time. Specifically, I prayed that He would shut it down on his side of things.

I prayed. God answered. The next friggin day. Quite literally, neither of us has a better explanation for why things ended the way that they did. Let this be a lesson, kids. Do not ask God to intervene as He sees fit, and then get pissed when He does exactly that.

Despite being slightly annoyed, I’ve accepted it. I trust that Jeremiah 29:11-14 holds true. Our best interests, hopes and future are known by God. And as much as I would’ve liked to avoid this breakup, I want that story and that future more. I want to believe that ultimately, we’ll each find more satisfaction in waiting on God than in attempting to salvage something that wasn’t right.

Still, it’s an adjustment and I find myself trying to figure out how we can best care for each other in this: How do we remain in community, without harboring any sort of jealousy or long-term angst? What are healthy emotional boundaries? What happens when one of us starts dating someone else? So far, we’re doing fine and I’m sure we’ll figure the rest out as we go. For whatever it’s worth, here are a few things that have made our breakup less messy than it might’ve been otherwise:

Honesty took priority. From the start, we’ve been pretty transparent with each other. That didn’t change when it came to ending things. As soon as his feelings changed, he told me. And because he was honest, I knew that I wouldn’t spend the next few weeks rehashing what was real vs. what was him selfishly screwing with my emotions.
Dealing with issues as they arise. Following one awkward run-in, we discussed what our expectations were for random social encounters.
Establishing boundaries. While our breakup wasn’t remotely melodramatic, we still had to decide what we could and couldn’t handle going forward.
Keeping the lines of communication open. If and when we disappoint each other, we’ll call the other person out on it. Moreover, we’ll try to do it (relatively) nicely and (hopefully) without the use of hand gestures.

I think the key to navigating a breakup is accepting that you probably will mess up. There aren’t hard and fast rules and it’s unrealistic to assume that we’ll manage ourselves or our emotions, flawlessly, 100% of the time. Even so, this situation has been a healthy reminder that the demise of a relationship, doesn’t always result in a trip to the therapist’s office. When handled appropriately, we can date people without breaking them just as we can quietly acknowledge that this thing—however important it might have been—just wasn’t right.

Any other helpful tips to share? Leave them in the comments.

-SARAH

—-

In case you’re wondering…
Yes, he read the post. Yes, he’s fine with it and yes he has handled this situation far better than most men who are twice his age. No, I will not give you his number. Figure that ish out on your own.

"It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree..."

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 09:54:41 -0500

“It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.”

- Nick Hornby

Watch Your Step

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 23:55:52 -0500

My mother met her husband via online dating. So three months ago, when I explained to her that I’d be writing a potentially scathing exposé for IKDH on the merits of finding love online, she gently reminded me that though God is loving he is also unpredictable. Who was I to say he wouldn’t turn my research into something more meaningful? I listened, begrudgingly, and filed her advice under “Things Moms Have to Say To Make You Feel Better.”

Then I met him…a mystery man who will affectionately be referred to from here on out as Love*. And while I hate to admit this, (and let’s be honest—in a court of law I’d still deny ever saying this), my mother was right. One day I was sifting through eHarmony profiles like electronic Petri dishes in a lab, and the next minute I was holding hands and scribbling some dude’s name on Starbucks’ napkins. I didn’t even see it coming. It was like I tripped, fell, and got a boyfriend. C’est la vie.

You’ll be happy to know that before I descended into relational bliss, I did pick up a few handy tips, random thoughts, and copious amounts of useless information about the merits of dating online. I hope to share all with you soon. But bear with me if it takes some time…I’m probably busy making out or something**.

-CHANEL

*Before y’all go all nuts that I’m dropping the “L” word, think of it the way your grandmother spoke to you as a 5-year-old. For example: “Love, put down that fire extinguisher before you destroy Big Mama’s picture of Black Jesus.” Anyone? Anyone? No one? Just me? Okay…

**Funny ‘cause it’s true.

Thread & Water

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:22:00 -0500

Thread & Water:

Remember when we said that you should do something in response to the situation in Haiti? One option for your charitable donations is Thread & Water. The project represents a collaborative effort between designers, developers and illustrators in direct response to the crises in Haiti. Every dollar from the shirt(s) that you buy goes towards providing clean water for the Haitian people.

We’re not here to tell you how to run your life, so we’ll simply say this: social consciousness is sort of sexy. Just as these shirts are sort of sexy. You do the math.

Thread & Water

The b-word.

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 15:31:00 -0500

“Your boyfriend can’t wait to see you :)”

Lindsay was referring to Wyatt, a younger guy that I met in church. While I adore him, I do have some doubts about our romantic future. Little man is 7 months old.

Normally, this wouldn’t be worth mentioning. Normally. Dear reader, this is where you begin to understand all the neuroses that make this heart go ‘round. Calling Wyatt my boyfriend didn’t bother me a bit. It’s when the phrase is used in reference to men —specifically those who are of a more appropriate age— that I occasionally fall apart.

The only real justification I have ever been able to offer is that referring to someone as my boyfriend implies a certain sort of ownership. Almost as if I have locked him down and am planning my reign as resident Ball-n’-Chain. Let me be clear, I am not advocating for ambiguous relationships. Let me also be clear that as far as I am concerned, calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend is the relational equivalent of peeing on a fire-hydrant. Quite frankly, I just don’t need that mental picture every time I introduce my family to someone new.

Theoretically, I understand why the term makes me uncomfortable: I don’t like the connotation of ownership. In practice? Eh. It’s semantics and I’m very aware that I’m lending way more weight to the phrase than it really deserves. I have no idea why (or when) it became such a loaded thing. Still, I am curious. Am I the only one who feels awkward about slapping a label on their significant other? Please feel free to explain yourselves.

-SARAH

Dating a Gamer

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 12:52:00 -0500

@ikdh, When on a date/hangtime w/ a girl, how much time is acceptable for a guy to play video games?

This insightful question was brought to you by our dear friend, Chris. He knows how to get a reaction, as proven by the inner monologue that followed: “Oh hellls no. None. Not ever. Not even a little bit.” I stopped just short of adding “FOR SHAME, CHRIS.”

I’m a little biased.

Once upon a time (read: in college), I was friends with a house full of dudes. At one point, they had the couches set up in tiers so that they could more effectively play in tournaments against each other. Need I say more?

FACT: When guys play games like Halo, they enter some sort time-space continuum where hours pass like minutes.

I’d start yelling and they’d be all “WHAT? We’ve been playing for MAYBE 30 minutes. Calm yo’self.” Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. Fights were fought. Stomping ensued. It was a really pleasant time for all involved.

FACT: Whilst playing, grown men will yell at 13 year old boys. They will use words that will make you blush.

I will never understand this.

Eventually, I wised up and started calling in advance. If the guys were “busy” that was totally fine, I’d go ahead and make other plans. Specifically, I’d make plans that involved human interaction and/or seeing the light of day. Apart from my obvious personal preferences, I wasn’t going to begrudge them their preferred pastime. However they chose to spend the day was their own business.

Still, as a general rule, men should know better. Do not bust out the Nyko 80610 AirFlo (Silver!!! So ~~pretty!~~ manly!) while a lady is in the room. The future of your relationship all but depends on it.

Feel like arguing the point? Bring it.

-SARAH

Matching Words With Actions

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 12:23:00 -0500

Without getting into too much detail (different post for a different day), part of our recent radio silence has been due to the three of us trying to muddle through what it means to actually live out the things that we say matter. The reality is that for most of us, it’s much easier to say what we think than it is to execute.

The recent events in Haiti are an example of circumstances where we may feel some degree of empathy, but fail to act. This is, quite simply, unacceptable. Please donate to the relief efforts through one of the organizations listed below, and also commit to praying for both the victims of the earthquake and those who are working on their behalf.*

Partners in Health (partners of charity:water)
Concern Worldwide (partners of charity:water)
Doctors Without Borders
Yele Haiti (or text ‘yele’ to 501501 to donate $5)
UNICEF
Mercy Corps
Red Cross (or text ‘haiti’ to 90999 to donate $10)
World Vision

More listed on MSNBC’s site.

* If you know of other reputable agencies that ought to be listed, please list them in the comments section. We’ll add them throughout the day.

"I mean come on, have you seen the dopeness that I’m working with??"

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 09:30:29 -0500

“I mean come on, have you seen the dopeness that I’m working with??”

- Sarah (who was, for the record, totally kidding)

Kibitzing in the New Year

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 13:21:00 -0500

Hi guys! It’s been a while!! Have you lost weight? Done something new to your hair? Are those lips chapped due to the weather, or have you taken this site’s manifesto to heart?? Clearly, we have some catching up to do. Pull up a seat, grab yourself ~~a beer~~ an appropriate day-time beverage, and let’s get this party started…

There’s this guy. Actually there’s been two or three guys sort of hanging around in the periphery, but this guy didn’t wait 6 months, 8 kindofsortofdates and 10 meaningful stares later to finally get around to asking me out. He took his cues from Nike commercials and just did it.

It’s a bit of a sad commentary that asking point-blank, without any miscommunication of his intentions, completely took me by surprise. I said yes. I mean, of course I did. Barring any extenuating circumstances (namely that I’m dating someone else and/or he seems batshit crazy) I will almost always say yes to at least 1 date with a guy who has enough guts to ask.

Gentlemen, I am not the only girl who thinks this way. Landing first dates is easy. And quite honestly, second dates don’t have to be the emotional-Everest that some people make them out to be. In my mind, the challenge is not getting through the first few dates. The real challenge is found somewhere in the gray area of going on dates and dating a person. It is then, in that time of deciding whether or not to commit to something more, that a healthy dose of courage and discernment is required.

What’s also funny (to me anyway) is that prior to him asking, I’d penned a sort of irritated rant directed at both men and women. The entire post can be summed up in the following two statements:

MEN: Be gentleman. If you’re not in a place to date, don’t pursue her. This whole half-assed approach to dating as a means of “easing into things” or “taking it slow” is kind of a crock. We both ought to be able to take it slow without the added “benefit” of your indecisiveness to keep us in line.

LADIES: When a guy does get around to asking you out, hold your ish together. I am serious. For the sake of the menfolk, I’m going to need you to dial it back.

I know that you might really want a boyfriend and I absolutely understand that being single can be hard. Seriously, I get it. My 8yr. old cousin prays every night “for Sarah to find a man who loves her.” EVERY NIGHT Y’ALL. I, on the other hand, have to resist the urge to interject his prayers with my own “Hey Jesus. I’m doing fine…really! Thanks and amen!!”

But very few relationships, especially their infancy, will be able to handle full the weight of your hopes and expectations if they’re not kept in line. At the end of the day, you have to trust that God’s written your story. And that patience will always be required in seeing that story through to the end.

Clearly, I was in a foul mood when I originally wrote the post. I was also totally right.

-SARAH

Did You Miss Us?

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 13:49:56 -0500

Because judging by the number of texts, tweets, emails and phone calls we’ve received, some of you have been crying yourself to sleep at night and asking friends what went wrong—why have the IKDH ladies disappeared? Well grab a tissue, get out of fetal position, and tell your mom you’ll call her later. You’re a grown ass man for goodness sake.

Besides…the girls are back!

While we’d love to say our brief hiatus was due to being whisked away by some strapping young gents to honeymoon in Bali following a triple wedding, the truth is we just got lost in The Holidaze. After all, we have real lives people. And not only that, we had parties to throw, cookies to eat and margaritas to guzzle.

Anyway, lots of love and many posts to come shortly. We’ve been cooking up some genius while on hiatus so look out for more soon.

Anything you want us to talk about? Hit us up at ikisseddatinghello@gmail.com.

-CHANEL