Navigating a breakup
Chanel found herself a man. I lost mine.
“Lost” might be the wrong word. I could find him if I needed to.
We dated for a month and when things ended, I was disappointed but not entirely surprised. While there wasn’t anything specifically wrong with the relationship (he was/is great), I was still incredibly nervous about actually dating someone. I mean let’s be real; this site is one giant testament to the fact that I am much better at analyzing relationships than participating in them. So, I prayed that I’d either get comfortable with working through my stuff or that God would end it if it wasn’t the right time. Specifically, I prayed that He would shut it down on his side of things.
I prayed. God answered. The next friggin day. Quite literally, neither of us has a better explanation for why things ended the way that they did. Let this be a lesson, kids. Do not ask God to intervene as He sees fit, and then get pissed when He does exactly that.
Despite being slightly annoyed, I’ve accepted it. I trust that Jeremiah 29:11-14 holds true. Our best interests, hopes and future are known by God. And as much as I would’ve liked to avoid this breakup, I want that story and that future more. I want to believe that ultimately, we’ll each find more satisfaction in waiting on God than in attempting to salvage something that wasn’t right.
Still, it’s an adjustment and I find myself trying to figure out how we can best care for each other in this: How do we remain in community, without harboring any sort of jealousy or long-term angst? What are healthy emotional boundaries? What happens when one of us starts dating someone else? So far, we’re doing fine and I’m sure we’ll figure the rest out as we go. For whatever it’s worth, here are a few things that have made our breakup less messy than it might’ve been otherwise:
- Honesty took priority. From the start, we’ve been pretty transparent with each other. That didn’t change when it came to ending things. As soon as his feelings changed, he told me. And because he was honest, I knew that I wouldn’t spend the next few weeks rehashing what was real vs. what was him selfishly screwing with my emotions.
- Dealing with issues as they arise. Following one awkward run-in, we discussed what our expectations were for random social encounters.
- Establishing boundaries. While our breakup wasn’t remotely melodramatic, we still had to decide what we could and couldn’t handle going forward.
- Keeping the lines of communication open. If and when we disappoint each other, we’ll call the other person out on it. Moreover, we’ll try to do it (relatively) nicely and (hopefully) without the use of hand gestures.
I think the key to navigating a breakup is accepting that you probably will mess up. There aren’t hard and fast rules and it’s unrealistic to assume that we’ll manage ourselves or our emotions, flawlessly, 100% of the time. Even so, this situation has been a healthy reminder that the demise of a relationship, doesn’t always result in a trip to the therapist’s office. When handled appropriately, we can date people without breaking them just as we can quietly acknowledge that this thing—however important it might have been—just wasn’t right.
Any other helpful tips to share? Leave them in the comments.
-SARAH
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In case you’re wondering…
Yes, he read the post. Yes, he’s fine with it and yes he has handled this situation far better than most men who are twice his age. No, I will not give you his number. Figure that ish out on your own.
