Mailbag Monday: Post-Breakup Silent Treatment
Dear IKDH,
A couple months ago, a guy broke up with me after 2 months of dating. He was the first guy I’d ever kissed (and yes, I’m well into my 20’s), and I was clear that because of this we needed to be careful and asked him not to encourage more of the same if he didn’t think this was going somewhere. He continued to encourage it. We talked about God, our feelings for one another, what Christian dating should be like… And he kept telling me how head over heels he was for me.
And then, without warning, he broke up with me, citing a bunch of vague and confusing reasons like “he was dealing with vulnerability and control issues that God was pushing him about, that being with me made him realize these things really needed to be dealt with, and he wasn’t ready for a real relationship.”
After he dropped this bomb, we spent a few days praying about it and in the end, even though I didn’t want to, we officially broke up. At the time, he told how much he cared for me, that he didn’t want me to disappear from his life, he wanted to try to be friends, and that he wasn’t sure we were over forever, but he just knew he had to sort some things out right now. He even apologized for not really hearing me when I’d warned him earlier to be careful and all in all, though hurt and disappointed by the break up, I felt like he was at least trying to do the right thing.
And then he completely ignored me. He wouldn’t even look at me. Other friends would hang out between the two of us, but he would not acknowledge my presence. It was really hurtful.
My question is, how do I love this guy? He is definitely in some pain and going through some hard stuff with God. And we are in a Christian community together. Just “ignoring him back” doesn’t seem like quite the way to handle it. Forcing my friendship on him doesn’t either. And if he won’t even look at me in passing, it makes it hard to just smile politely and wave from across the room. I feel like the way we are interacting now, or not interacting, is not good for our community and definitely not an example of Christ’s love. We should be able to at least acknowledge one another’s existence. But then, when it’s over, it’s over. Right? Or wrong? I certainly am not holding out that somehow we’ll get back together or anything like that. I just want to honor God. Shouldn’t breaking up look a lot different when Christ is involved?
A Newly-Kissing Christian
Dear Newly-Kissing:
Not the way you want the first kiss to go, ideally, but not every frog turns out to be a prince.
You ask some great questions here. Yes, breaking up should ideally look different in a Christian community, but because we’re all still human, we tend to react just like anyone else would. This includes, but is not limited to, backpedaling, poor communication, lying, and acting like a general idiot when the other person is around.
First things first: men and women think differently about relationships. You were all-in early on. He clearly wasn’t, regardless of what he said or did. Therefore, about two months in, he did freak out—probably because he realized he just wasn’t that into you after all, but he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying so. That’s where all these vague excuses come in to play.
Men, please: if you find yourself in the early stages of dating and just decide that it’s not happening for you, be honest. It’s better to say that you don’t see this progressing further than to come up with some line about how you’re not ready. Even if you feel like that may be the case, when you say “I’m not ready,” many women will hear the unspoken “yet” and think that possibly, maybe, somewhere in the future you will be and when you are you’ll come back and ohmygoshthenwe’llbetogetherforeveranditwillbeperfect!*
As to your question about how to love this guy, you might not be able to right now. Sometimes, we have to accept the other person as they are, which is in and of itself an act of love. No, ignoring him back isn’t the right behavior. So simply acknowledge his presence, even if he won’t acknowledge yours. You don’t need to get in his face or even have a confrontation—eventually, his heart will soften and he’ll at least be able to toss a friendly smile across the room. And if not, you can still pray for the things he said he needed to deal with and that God would rightly order his heart.
The best thing you can do is to honor God with your life, as you say you want to do. Don’t let this guy and his action (or inaction) be a distraction to you.
—KRISTEN
*I realize that some men might be telling the truth when they say this. Just know that vague statements make most women think that the relationship is never really closed off for good.
