Mailbag Monday
*have a question for IKDH? Send it to ikisseddatinghello[at]gmail.com…we’ll do our best to answer, and might even share it with our readers (with your permission, obvi.)
Dear IKDH:
From the moment I met this guy (lets call him Chuck), our ‘relationship’ was full of flirtation (on both sides) and intimacy (emotional and spiritual.) We spent tons of time together, he paid for me almost always, would meet at my house before church/parties/work/etc. so we could drive together. [I] went with the flow and enjoyed the fun of what I saw as a close friendship that was headed somewhere.
We both worked at church together and people would always ask (both the students we worked with, friends our age, adults, pastoral staff, etc.) if we were dating, going to be dating, that we should be dating, that they loved us together…some even went so far to say “I am so happy you found each other” or make references to our “future wedding.” Every time, we would look at each other, laugh awkwardly, and say “we’re just friends.”
I knew we were just friends, but like I said before, I assumed we were headed somewhere. Until suddenly… he texts me one day and tells me he is gonna ask out a girl. A different girl. As in, not me.
He acted like I should have expected this to happen. I felt so played! Is this the Christian version of friends with benefits? The reason I ask is because we are still friends, not as close as before because we don’t work together anymore, but still see each other often. And he and the girl are broken up now. I tell myself to not get attached again, that if something is meant to happen it will and I don’t need to pursue it, that what he did wasn’t fair.. but then once I am around him again I remember how much he means to me and how much I value him in my life. How do I act? Do I stop investing in him?
—Played in LA
Dear Played:
When I read your email, I actually flinched in pain recalling similar situations with men in the church. I’m sorry that you ended up in a relationship that’s been described one too many times on this site. As you now likely understand, it’s never safe to assume something is going somewhere. It’s important to have spiritual and emotional support from other believers. But if you’re only finding it in a guy who won’t date you, that’s not support, that’s co-dependency. Find a group of people who support and encourage you, not a single person who, if he didn’t ask you out in the 6 months you developed such closeness, isn’t going to just because he’s single again. Invest in deeper friendships with women in your church.
Whether it’s with Chuck or another guy in the future, have the conversation. If he’s pursuing time with you one-on-one, ASK WHAT IT MEANS. It’s not awkward, it’s not asking for a ring. It’s just clarifying intent, and that’s not wrong.
Moving beyond that, I wanted to scream when I read your account of how others in the church treated this pseudo-relationship. No wonder you kept thinking something would happen—those you do life with were actually encouraging the behavior!
Played—and all of you out there reading—this behavior has got to stop. As a community, we are responsible for keeping each other in check on who we spend time with and to get it back on track when it derails, and not fill each other’s heads with what isn’t there.
When I was a new believer living in Dallas, I truly valued my relationship with our pastor’s wife. I’d get all googly about a boy, and she’d say “Does he Love Jesus?” If I said yes, she’d say “And has he expressed outright interest in you and asked you out?” If the answer was no, or “Um, well, kind of…” I’d know what she was getting at.
This is part of the challenge of living in somewhat homogenous community. Most of us stick with a tight group of people in the same age/socio-economic/life-stage bracket, most of whom do very much want to be coupled and want to see us coupled, too.
We need to start regarding relationships with deeper sense of maturity, and when a friend gets excited, share in that enthusiasm while tempering it with practical and smart questions. Under no circumstances should we be pointing out how cute a non-couple is together, over-dissecting what seems like dating behavior when there’s been no date forthcoming, or planning anyone’s wedding before he put a ring on it.
Friends, what widsom can you share with our friend Played in LA? Do you think we as a Christian community need to do a better job of helping our friends see what is (or isn’t) there? How can we encourage one another in dating while also curbing this kind of behavior?
—KRISTEN
