i kissed dating hello

for my dad

I wrote this post last year for my Dad on Father’s day. I wrote then that I considered him to be a fairly incredible man. It still holds true. When it comes to relationships and love, what are some of the lessons you’ve learned from your Dad? We’d love to hear about it in the comments.

-SARAH

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Listening to a voicemail left by my Dad last night, I heard a slight catch in his voice. He’d just landed in Austin on a business trip and I didn’t have the chance to talk to him before he got on the plane. Instead he left me a voicemail to remind me how proud he is of all of us. Voicemails like these aren’t atypical. As easily as he communicates his love for us, it is also true that at a certain point in his life he didn’t think he would ever have a wife and kids.

While the details are (unsurprisingly) fuzzy, I do know that my Dad spent most of his early twenties in a drugged out stupor. Caught between his addictions and his predisposition towards depression, he assumed that his life wouldn’t add up to much. It took a year-long inpatient rehab center for him to get sober. A few years after that, he finally met my mom. They dated for 6 weeks before getting engaged, and have been together for all of the 32 years that followed.

I love my Dad in a non-negotiable sort of way. In my mind, he’s on a pedestal because he deserves to be. Still, our relationship hasn’t always been an easy one. There was a year in high school where he and I fought incessantly. He was justifiably angry at me and was terrified that history was repeating itself in the life of his son. I, on the other hand, was 16 years old and completely unrelenting in the face of his anger. Even then, even as we found each other to be intolerable, I do not remember ever questioning whether or not he loved me.

There are memories like those, and then there is the memory of his shaking voice as he told me in no uncertain terms that it was not OK for me to be cheated on. That I deserved better. That he was so, so sorry for what I was going through and didn’t understand why it had to be this way. My heart was broken so his broke along side of it.

There is his face when he sees his kids after too many months between visits.

The way he watches my mom when she’s not looking. How proud he is of her accomplishments.

For as long as I can remember, my Dad has publicly acknowledged how bad things were in his 20’s to explain why it is that he cherishes so deeply, the life he has now.

He is not the only one.

I will forever be grateful that he managed to beat the odds. That he married my mom, loved her, and created a life worth living. I am proud of him for being the man that he is and for the strength that it took him to become the person I now know. It is the combination of that strength and his willingness to get teared up over his kids, that sets the standard for every other man in my life.

We are the lucky ones, Dad. You are the cherished one.

Manversation: Mr. Boy Next Door

Age: 28 (brrr… did it just get old in here?)
Current relationship status: “Accounted for”

What qualities catch your eye?
I have a type: “cute.” As previous contributors to the “manversation” have already noted, I think that most us guys already have an idea in our heads of what our eventual bride will be like/look like. But not all of us are picturing someone with super model looks accompanied by a girl next door personality. Some of us are looking for the GND looks accompanied by the GND personality. “Oh, he’s intimidated by super hot women.” Well, no, not really. It’s just that, to me, overt sexiness is synonymous with high maintenance. After all, it takes a lot of work to look amazing all the time and I’d much rather be with someone who can be out the door at a moment’s notice. Also, I’m not the sort who likes be stared at where ever I go. One of my friends was a former Miss Georgia. Whenever we went somewhere all eyes were always on us. I don’t know how her boyfriend stands it. But then again, he’s kind of a pretty boy himself so… anyway, in summation, think Mary-Anne, not Ginger.

What turns you off about Christian women?
Oh, this one is obvious. Because the emphasis in Christian dating is finding a mate and not just having fun, it feels like marriage is always the elephant in the room, even on the first date. That type of pressure can stall things well before they’ve begun.

How are things faring with the ladies, in general?
As you can see from my relationship status, they’re good. But meeting the right person took a lot of time and effort. At some point I realized that I’ve had to work for everything else I’ve wanted in my life, so why would finding the right person be any different? I’d say that being proactive (ahem online dating) and prayer are the two keys. Prayer you ask? Yep, I’ve prayed for everything else I’ve ever really really wanted, so why fix what aint broken?

That last question was just a diplomatic way of getting the dirt. Boy, why you single?
I’m not! I swear!

What is the biggest misconception women have about men?
It’s probably that we all have the same mindset and are looking for the same things. I think both men and women are guilty of stereotyping the opposite sex in this way. I’d advise just taking people on a case by case basis.

What do you wish you understood about women?
Why do you expect men to be psychic detectives? I know I just said we shouldn’t make broad generalizations about the opposite sex, but I’ve yet to date a single girl who didn’t expect me to be able to read her mind from time to time.

Name your shame. Favorite 90’s ballad? Affection for Lifetime movies? Convince us there’s a mortal behind the facade of perfection that you’re currently rocking.
I know I can’t be the only one who knows all the words to “I’ll make love to you” by Boyz II Men. Also, I collect comic books.

[EDITORS NOTE: Who doesn’t appreciate emotional ballads and complex, intricate a capella harmonies? People without souls, maybe.]   

Christians who’re dating face all sorts of moral/logistical conundrums. Where (or to whom) do you look for advice and insight?
As you get older I think the huge gap between your parents’ perspective and your own begins to diminish. You find things that they say are actually beginning to make sense. Not that I go to my parents for dating advice, but they’re more than willing to provide it. As the youngest child in a large family, I tend to look to my older siblings for advice. As you grow, you spend so much time trying to differentiate yourself from siblings but being raised in the same house, the same church and by the same parents make you all more similar than you often realize. So it usually turns out that they’ve already experienced whatever it is I’m going through.

It’s not always easy but I also think it’s important to have fellow Christians that you can talk to about topics like sexual intimacy without worry of being judged.

If a girl is interested, what’s her best recourse (other than batting of the eyelashes)?
I think one of the toughest things about Christian dating is the fact that Christian girls tend to be less overt when it comes to romantic interest. I think you should ask yourself, “How is my interaction with this person any different than if I were just their good friend?” This is likely the root cause of stories I’ve seen on IKDH where the girl felt that she was pseudo dating some guy and then suddenly he gets a girlfriend or starts talking about someone else. (Of course Christian guys should probably ask themselves the same question… but we’re not talking about that.)

Should a girl be so bold as to ask you out?
I think it would be fine for a girl to let me know she’s interested in doing something with me outside of church or work or wherever it is that we met. But she should probably still let the guy plan the specifics of the date. A co-worker once approached me and said “Hey, you and I should spend some time together outside of work.” I was pretty clear on what she meant, but the ball was still in my court to do the planning.

What is the biggest difference between dating as a Christian and dating as a non-Christian?
Um, probably that they don’t come up to you and suggestively say: “Hey, you and I should spend some time together outside of work.” Unfortunately the place you’re most likely to meet a nice Christian girl also happens to be where you worship. And in cases where you’ve grown up in the same church, that’s kind of like trying to date your cousin.

How can the church support healthy relationships?
I think that at least talking about them is a good idea. Growing up, I think the only references to love/sex/relationships that ever came from the pulpit were messages of abstinence. There is more to Christian relationships than “not having sex.”

Anything else to add?
I think you need to figure out what you want before you can find it. Happy hunting!

Has something he said sparked any thoughts for you? Leave your comments below. Fellas, want to contribute to the Manversation? Shoot us an email to join in the discussion.

Waiting for Marriage

I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. Falling in love will do that to you. As the emotions intensify and lives become intertwined, the prospect of sex is suddenly everywhere. I taste it in the popcorn my honey buys in advance when I’m running late to the theater to meet him for a movie date. I see it when he stretches tall to grab the bowl from the top shelf of my kitchen cabinets. And as we have worked to maintain the commitment I’ve made for the past 26 years to wait until marriage for sex, it’s been challenging to draw the lines for the physical boundaries of our relationship. Okay yes, sex is off the table. It’s a black and white decision to wait. But oh God, what about the gray?

So after much prayer and some cursory study of my Jr. High School True Love Waits Bible (it was a gift okay!), I’ve taken to the streets and interrogated nearly all of my friends, trying to come to some consensus about what the sexual boundaries are for Christian relationships. After four years of Bible college, did I somehow miss a hidden list of best practices? Or perhaps there’s a King James-style addendum to Scripture that clearly states, “and the man may toucheth her above the shoulder without fault but definitely must backeth off from caressing her hooha.” If there is, I haven’t found it.

What I have found is a beautiful range of opinions, experiences and suggestions from friends also grappling with how to model their sexuality after what God seems to be saying. Some I support, and others I adamantly reject. But all have been helpful in shaping how I think through my own limits as well as those of my partner as we learn to express our love physically in a way that honors God and places His desires for our future above our own.

This past week during my trip to LA, I had the pleasure of talking shop with my high school friend Amber about the boundaries she and her boyfriend Jon have set. The couple was gracious enough to openly share their “rules” with us as a real life example of how some twentysomethings are living. By way of context, I should tell you that both have had sex in past relationships. Undoubtedly their history of going from zero to naked affects their current choices as they march down the road toward marriage.

Here is a sampling of their boundaries:

1. Never be alone in any house together (e.g. their respective apartments, their parents’ homes, friends’ houses, etc.). If someone leaves, the couple exits the premises and waits outside.
2. Keep it public. The two rarely spend time alone in their bedrooms and never with the door closed. If they do hang out upstairs, there is no kissing, cuddling, or spooning allowed.
3. No touching where bathing suits cover. They aren’t talking thongs and speedos here people.
4. No “parking.” They can sit in a car and talk as long as it’s in an area that’s well-lit.
5. Limit the time physically spent together. They try not to hang out more than three or four nights a week during the summer. During the school year (he’s an intern for the high school ministry), they hang out two nights a week—one alone doing something fun and one night reading at Starbucks with other friends.

What do you think of these boundaries? Are they being too strict? What are some of the boundaries you’ve set either in current or past relationships that have helped? Leave a comment below or send us an email with your thoughts.

-CHANEL

Dating Advice From Dad

Because Father’s Day is coming up on Sunday, we thought we’d share what we’ve learned from our dads. Here’s what Kristen has to say:

The sum total of my dad’s advice about men and dating was this:

“Men only want one thing. You tell them to keep their d&#! in their pants, and move on.”

Thankfully, his actions in love are much more robust than his words on dating. This week, my parents celebrate 43 years of marriage. While my dad is far from perfect, he’s a constant reminder of why I have yet to settle for Mr. Good Enough for Right Now. 

To understand my parents together, you have to know that as individuals they are complete opposites in every sense of the word. My father has a powerful temper and drops the F-bomb often when provoked (especially by bad calls from NCAA or NBA referees.) My mom likes everyone to get along and says “darn it all” and “oh, shoot.” My dad is sloppy, and you can’t go into his study without stepping on a pile of papers or knocking over a stack of books. The top of his desk hasn’t been seen in years. My mom’s study looks like an Ethan Allan showroom. My dad loves biographies and history books, my mom reads murder mysteries. 

It seems, from a distance, that my parents have next to nothing in common. But when I asked my dad recently how he and my mom have survived four decades of marriage, he told me that it was simple. “We have fun together,” he said. While I know from observation that not every day of their lives is a carnival, I do know they enjoy one another’s company. Because my mom is retired, my dad comes home from work to have lunch everyday that she’s not out with her friends so that she has someone to eat with. They have tea on the back porch in the afternoons. Often, no one is saying a word. Simply being in each other’s presence is enough.

And when they part? He watches her go. Literally. My father stands in the doorway of their home and flashes the “I love you” sign with his hands as she pulls out of the driveway. It doesn’t matter if she’s going to play bridge, get her hair done, or leaving town for a few days. He does it every. single. time. And when she comes home, he hears the garage door open and goes out to greet her. 

So I won’t settle for anyone who’s less than my father’s example—or God’s. I think I’ll take my dad’s dating advice after all, because in some measure, this non-believing man has modeled for me What Jesus Would Do. Simply put, my father delights in my mother’s presence. He’s shown me that loving someone isn’t about what they can do for you, but what you can do for them. He’s shown me that sustaining a lifelong partnership lies in loving someone so deeply that their needs supersede your own. He’s shown me that you can love someone (and be loved) even if you don’t like each other’s actions all the time. 

Happy anniversary to my parents, who make it look easy even when it isn’t. And Happy Father’s Day to the best daddy a girl could ever hope to have.

I realize some of you reading this didn’t have parents who modeled this, but maybe you’ve seen it in other couples. Share with us in the comments how your notions of love and dating have been shaped by the men in your life. 

refusing to fight

I recently admitted to a friend of mine that when it comes to ending a relationship, I have one basic “rule”: I refuse to fight. If a guy I’m dating mentions he thinks we ought to end things, that’s it. I won’t argue the point or attempt to convince him that we ought to work things out. Even if I’m happy in that relationship. Even if I’m of the general opinion that we should give it another shot.

This rule is rooted in my basic belief that relationships are a choice. You choose to invest. You choose to work through your issues and on certain days, you choose to continue loving each other even as the walls fall down around you.

He asked if I sincerely believed that my rule was fair and pointed out that sometimes, those we love need to be reminded that we consider them worth fighting for. He wasn’t suggesting that I pander to game-playing, wherein a the threat of a breakup is used as a sort of negotiating tactic. He was simply encouraging me to take careful stock of my relationships before automatically conceding defeat. Taking such a bold stance isn’t without personal cost. Don Miller articulated the sacrificial and terrifying nature of relationships when he said,

“I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you.”

There is something about this that rings true to me. And yet, I have historically refused to take many of those risks. I have refused to look someone in the eye and tell them that for whatever weight it carried - I still wanted to fight. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I thought it wasn’t worth the trouble. Maybe I was too hurt by their refusal to fight for me.

Our conversation helped me recognize that I can’t unilaterally state that I won’t fight with a guy when it comes to a breakup, or place the full burden of working at our relationship solely on his shoulders. If I feel that strongly about him, he deserves to know.

What do you think? How do you know when to fight for love (or even strongly like)? When do you let it go and chock it all up to experience? If you have thoughts to share, leave us a comment below or email us.

-SARAH

Your New Secret Weapon

I’m not saying that just because my name is “Cocoa Chanel” I’m some kind of style expert. But in the spirit of my namesake, I’m not afraid to toss around a bit of fashion advice. I’ve been salivating over these puppies since I got the email alert about their arrival last week. Ladies, I present to you your new summer ticket to getting a man: TOMS wedges.

I like to think of TOMS wedges as a Christian gal’s new way to tell a man, “Yeah I have great legs, but I also care about helping poor children in Brazil, Jesus-style.” Who knows? Maybe Hotty McHotster Blake MyCoskie will see you in a pair and propose on the spot. #CouldHappen

-CHANEL

Flying Into God’s Goodness

Tonight I’m on a plane to Los Angeles for an obligatory weekend wedding extravaganza. My two best friends from Biola University are getting hitched (one ties the knot this weekend and the other is celebrating her bridal shower in preparation for her upcoming nuptials.) These are the same girls who swore we’d grow old together, sharing dreams of sleeping in bunk beds in a creepy old house in Orange County like a trio of spinsters with stacks of great novels crowding the living room because, in the spirit of our favorite author J.D. Salinger, marriage was for phonies.

So as I sit here enjoying Virgin America’s wi-fi en route to LA (while my friends no doubt finalize last minute details to enter marital bliss) I’m kind of taken aback by God’s character. 

You see, my girlfriend who’s pledging her life to a Southern gentlemen tomorrow afternoon has never dated anyone else. He was her first date, her first kiss, her first love, her first everything. And tomorrow she’ll walk down the aisle as if it’s a perfectly natural thing to do.

And my friend who is exchanging vows with a former coworker this fall wasn’t even initially attracted to her future husband. He pursued her for months while she repeatedly turned him down until one day deciding she couldn’t live without him. It was never supposed to happen this way.

I guess what I’m saying is this whole business of marriage has reminded me of one basic tenet in life we must keep top of mind when we consider kissing dating hello: there is an inevitability to God’s goodness. Outside of our timing, beyond our knowledge or foresight, God is always working toward the good of those who love Him. And though we may accept small lives, content to live in narratives with no drama, and no real arc, we can trust He is always writing a bigger story.

So if you’re feeling discouraged or simply uncertain about what the future may hold for you in terms of relationships, let me tell you, love is possible. Because if these characters can settle down into lifelong relationships, you sure as hell have got a chance.

Have a fabulous weekend!

-CHANEL