I’ve always been vehemently against the idea of praying for a spouse. No matter how sincere they sound, “Dear Baby Jesus, please bring me a husband” prayers give me the heebie jeebies. It’s always felt like something “desperate girls” do but “cool girls” intuitively know is wrong—you know? Like how real women know tights aren’t pants.
I don’t know what my issue is. Maybe I’m not spiritual enough or maybe it’s just some residual irritation I have from my Christian college days, but bringing my desire for romance before God always felt like I was placing an unnatural amount of importance on finding a relationship. Wouldn’t that energy be better spent buying a new pair of heels? Or even on a spiritual note, doesn’t it seem like God would rather we spend time praying for clean drinking water in Sub-Saharan Africa than someone to smooch with on Saturday nights?
So for years, I’ve prayed around the issue. I asked for things like peace to deal with being single or deep friendships to fill my time without a guy by my side. And in time, I got all of those things (in abundance!), but never the man I really wanted.
Then last year God hit me with a 2x4 in the midst of a sermon series at church. He said, “You do not have because you do not ask.” (Matthew 6)
Now I don’t want to get all prosperity gospel on you. I know God isn’t Oprah—not everyone in the audience gets a brand new car. But something about that verse stuck with me for weeks. It echoed the sentiment of my favorite verse that comes from Exodus 2:21. Just before the LORD empowers Moses to lead the Israelites out of the oppressive conditions of Egypt, the Bible says, “And the LORD looked down on the Israelites, saw their suffering and was concerned about them.” I love this quality of God’s character—He’s the type of deity who looks down on His people with concern.
He cares about the very details of our lives, and here I was asking for everything but the one thing I desired most. So last fall I prayed one prayer. I said:
“God, I know I’ve kindasortanotreally asked you for this, but this time I’m going to be direct. I want a relationship. I know it won’t complete me; it won’t fix me; it won’t solve all of life’s problems. But I want a guy who I can genuinely and selflessly pour into out of the overflow of love in my life. If You feel my request is motivated by any trace of idolatry that would remove You from Your rightful place in my heart, then forget we ever had this conversation. I trust You know best. K.I.T. Stay cool. Don’t ever change.”
Then I heard nothin’…there was absolute radio silence on the other end for months. Until one day there wasn’t. And I met my honey.
Look, I don’t want to say that I prayed and God gave me a boyfriend. Hell, the poor boy certainly has enough problems to deal with dating me without the pressure of feeling like he is the answer to some crazy prayer I sent out into the ether. But I wanted to share this with you as my own life’s object lesson in obedience.
I believe there is some value to bringing your desire for a relationship before God, as creepy as it may be. Because at the end of the day He wants all of us…even the part that desires something other than Him. And when we acknowledge our hopes in the context of relationship with God, we give Him free reign to bless and shape those desires into something He approves of. At least that’s how it happened for me.
But don’t take my word for it. How do you feel about praying for a date or your future spouse? Is this crazytown territory? Leave a comment below or send us an email at ikisseddatinghello@gmail.com with your thoughts.
-CHANEL
This wasn’t quite an email, but it’s certainly one of the sweetest comments we’ve received on a post in a while. Thanks NL! Glad to hear you’re enjoying the site.
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I went to Wheaton College (you know, the “Harvard of evangelical schools?”… HATED it!) I’m a black woman. I’m about to get married. I LOVE this site!!! I remember reading the Joshua Harriss books in high school and being so frustrated. Well actually I appreciated them at the time but became frustrated when I soon realized that they are based in a conservative, right-wing, sexist, eurocentric reality. Not much relevance for me, a black chick, one generation removed from crippling poverty (and watching my grandparents/aunts/uncles deal with the effects of it) not raised in the U.S., with crazy immigrant parents. The book is a fairytale for some white girl in suburbia in a 2-parent home who’s in love with the guitar player in the youth group.
In ANY case. I basically did dating my own way. Stumbled blindly into the crazy world of men after college (there weren’t many “men” at my college… “males” yes. “men” NO!) I’ve made some mistakes, and I’ve done some things that probably weren’t the best idea. I tried to see passed the shroud of religiosity and just accept men for who they were. I was less concerned about whether a man could quote all the write Scriptures, and was fluent in Christianese, and more concerned about whether he was kind to me, gracious to me, and represented the love that God has for the church.
And I found that. And I’m grateful for it. We’re getting married in August.
But had I listened to Joshua Harris, I would still be at home, waiting for a white, guitar-playing, complementarian youth leader to call me up.
It would have never happened.
Just As I Suspected...Don't Move In Together
I’m a true English major at heart, but back in college, I was convinced I should become a Marriage and Family Therapist. So during the fall of my junior year I tacked on a minor in psychology and dabbled in a few fun classes like Psychology of Marriage and Human Sexuality. One day you’ll have to remind me to tell you the story of my 70-year old sexuality professor who insisted on telling us Bible college kids about creative uses for KY-Jelly. I’m still traumatized.
Anyway, I digress. One of my favorite projects was researching the effect of cohabiting first (i.e. living together) on the success of a marriage. After countless hours spent in the library leafing through psych journals, articles, and various snippets of research found online, whether the evidence was Christian or secular, I found that the numbers didn’t lie: living together before marriage is a bad idea.
Apparently the NY Times discovered the same thing…Check out this article with their findings on how cohabiting can be detrimental to building a lasting relationship.
-CHANEL
So let’s all talk about the hot pink bedazzled elephant in the room—yes, the ladies have been missing in action lately. We know, we know. It hurts us more than it hurts you. We’ll get back on track soon, but in the meantime, we thought it’d be nice to let you fine folks know what we’ve been up to during our absence:
Scrabble has made a comeback. If you own an iPhone, stop what you’re doing right now and go download the “Words with Friends” app. We seriously can’t stop playing this nerdtastic electronic version of our parents’ favorite board game. And we wonder why we can’t get a date… #CanYouSayNerdgasmWe guess what we’re trying to say is, we’ve been a little busy. But we miss you desperately and we’ve got some juice to share. So keep checking back because we’ll be posting more shortly.
-The Ladies of IKDH
How to Celebrate Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.)
Hello IKDH Family,
If you’ve found yourself staring at lovebirds today and screaming, “I hope the hands you’re holding freeze off in the snow,” it’s a good sign you might be dealing with some singlehood angst this Valentine’s Day.
Never fear, IKDH is always here to help guide you through relational madness. Check out this link for an article our very own Chanel wrote for BeliefNet.com with 8 helpful tips for how to express and experience love while single on Valentine’s Day.
A while ago, a very concerned reader pointed out that we who are sporting X and Y* chromosomes ought to be perfectly comfortable asking men out our “own damn selves”. In the spirit of that sentiment, we’ll keep things non-gender specific.
Let’s say that Person A asks out Person B.
Person B isn’t interested, for whatever reason. Should they still accept a date in order to give Person A a fair shot at wooing them? Or, is it kinder to decline the offer?
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NOTE: Who failed to pay attention in 7th grade science class? *hand raise*
From our friends over at Women’s Health, a little “he said, she said” on dating relationships. If you look closely, you’ll see a very good friend of ours. We won’t tell you which one he is, except to say that he really knows how to rock a cardigan.
There was some good, if not exactly earth-shattering advice here. It’s nice to know that most men are chivalrous enough to want to pay on the first date, pragmatic enough to recognize that love doesn’t always come at first sight (that’s lust, kids) and like us to look pulled together, but not as if we’re trying too hard.
Oh…and…the best place to meet someone is out. So if you’re sitting around reading this at home, GO DO SOMETHING. God/the Universe/Oprah isn’t going to help you find love in your sweats on the couch. Just sayin’.
Watch the videos and tell us what you think. Any dating advice to give to the opposite sex in any of these categories? Tell us your dealbreakers, your best pickup lines and the best relationship advice you’ve received (bonus points if it came from one of us.)
-Kristen
