i kissed dating hello

You Broke Up for a Reason

Ah, November. It’s that wonderful time of year again where we all pack our suitcases to travel thousands of miles to eat an ungodly amount of carbohydrates with family. Don’t you just love Thanksgiving?

And as is often the case, somewhere in between challenging cousins to a Scrabble tournament and making triple-decker leftover turkey sandwiches, it happens—you unexpectedly reconnect with an ex. Now I’m not from Arkansas so by “reconnect” I don’t mean you rekindle a crush on cousin Bobby. I’m talking about the hometown flame you dated briefly in high school who, coincidentally, is also home for the holidays. Maybe you bump into one another on a cranberry sauce run at the local grocery store or perhaps you see Mr. X or Ms. Y while taking out the garbage.

However it happens, let me warn you now: he/she will look amazing. You’ll probably swoon a bit. I mean, hell you’re lonely in the big city and November is so, so cold.

But don’t be fooled. As you return to the place of your youth, remember one crucial truth: exes are exes for a reason. Like a mantra or talisman that will guide your way, meditate on this advice. Eat it for breakfast instead of Wheaties. Chew on it like Trident. For the love of all that’s holy, remember that you and Mr/Mrs. Wrong broke up for a reason.

It’s imperative that you (and I as well) heed this advice, because when exes re-enter our lives it’s easy to forget the ugliness we experienced when the relationship was in full bloom. Blinded by present loneliness and with senses dulled by the glow of nostalgia, it’s easy to think maybe this time it will be different. Maybe a festive fling with a little smooching won’t hurt. But I guarantee you it will. If nothing else, delving into the past for a 3-day romp with an ex will reopen old wounds you’ve worked so hard to heal.

This holiday season, the only leftovers you want should involve stuffing and candied yams. Don’t settle for less. You deserve better. He or she is out there still. In the meantime, treat yourself to another slice of pie.

Email us at ikisseddatinghello@gmail.com or share your thoughts below in the comments. Is there ever hope for reconciling with an ex? Am I being too cautious?

-CHANEL

Great Expectations

As you might have gathered, I am not exactly the expert when it comes to long-term commitment.

When I lived in Michigan, I wasn’t remotely ready to settle down and start making babies, but that’s what you do when you graduate from a place like Calvin College. Heaven help you if you were a few years out of school and still relatively unattached. If that was the case, then getting about the business of making babies was assumed to be priority #1. Preferably, just after you’d persuaded someone to sprint down the aisle.* As a result, dating seemed kind of pointless. He’d get instantly serious. I’d get instantly nervous.

New York is different in that regard. Awhile ago I wondered—out loud—if there would be any way for me to wrangle a boyfriend that traveled 75-80% of the time. Ideally I’d see him once or twice a week and within that finite amount of time we would still manage to have all of the Really Important Conversations about Really Important Things. Logically, I knew that dating someone 20% of the time wouldn’t work and yet as soon as I said it, Kristen yelled “I KNOW!” and then we sat and stared at each other like “Seriously, that would be fantastic.”

I am convinced that God has a kicky sense of humor.

First there was the Tim Keller quote. Then there was a sermon dedicated specifically to the subject of idols. Or, the things other than God, that we hinge our identity upon. It was incredibly hard to realize that part of my identity hinges on the fact that I like that I’m irreverent, single and able to live my life pretty much as I please. It also hinges on the expectation that someday, I’ll meet a man who is so outrageously fantastic that I won’t at all mind the sacrifice required to be with him. Ignore for a minute that wanting a marriage (or any relationship) sans sacrifice is biblically unsound, it’s also supremely unrealistic. The truth is this: I dance between two idols. One of independence. One of expectation for the future.

To be perfectly honest, dismantling those idols has been a bit brutal and I’ve spent the last few weeks mulling over the following questions:

1. What happens if giving up my independence results in getting burned again?
   Answer: Oreos, boxed wine and prayer (i.e. the trifecta of breakup essentials).
2. When it comes to relationships, how do I temper my hopes of being done with the dating scene (at least for a while) with the more likely reality that my next relationship will be one in a line of other relationships? How then do I work towards being better at dating, managing my own emotions and making sure that I’m carefully considering his as well? How do we avoid damaging each other or our respective communities?
   Answer: Intentionally take it slow, use our words, resist the urge to panic if it feels like things are getting serious.
3. Granted I’m not looking to get married any time soon, but what happens if I never get married? Will I be angry with God?
   Answer: Yep. Totally.
4. Same question, but insert the word “kids”.
   Answer: Yep. Totally.
5. Which expectations are realistic, biblical and necessary? Which are the result of watching one too many rom-com movies?
   Answer: Not a clue.

I don’t have the answers. I think half the battle is being aware of the things that you don’t want to submit to God’s authority. The other half, I suppose, is figuring out how to do it anyway.

What idols have you had to give up? How do our friends, families, communities and the media shape the narrative for what we expect of our relationships? How does this help or hurt us?

-SARAH

*One MI friend recently reminded me that “If our goal was to be married. We’d be married.” Which is a roundabout way of saying that there are plenty of unbelievable people that I know, who call the mitten state home and are the exception to my Midwest generalization. You know who you are.

Question:

meaghano:

ingoodtaste:

Do men have some weird extra sensory perception which allows them to discern exactly when a woman has thought and eventually said out loud (quietly first and to herself but then with resolution and to others) ultimately and honestly and with complete authority and without an ounce of passive aggression, ‘If I never hear from him again, that would be totally fine.  In fact, that may be for the best.  Yes, indeed, that would be for the best,’ so that they can then let fly some half hearted but grin-inducing email which denies the aforementioned woman the ability (for which she has worked so hard) to completely let it go?

We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

They do. They Must. Incidentally, receipt of said ill-timed email always coincides with crawling under the covers and yelling into a pillow.

Dirty, Shameful Sex

Disclaimery text: This post was written by a guest contributor. One who just happens to be my older brother. In debating the subject back and forth (who doesn’t want to talk about such things with their siblings?) Mike responded in an email,

“These are the kind of discussions that I want to be having at whatever church I end up at. Honest, intellectual explorations of faith without judgment or condemnation when your views may differ.”

I promptly started crying.

The fact that these discussions can’t or don’t happen elsewhere kills me. This site’s primary function is to foster a dialogue around a specific subject matter. Sometimes we’ll facilitate that conversation well and other times we’ll only succeed in pissing off our readers. You should know that we (aka the ladies of IKDH) won’t always agree with what gets written by our guest contributors, much less by each other. Still, the debate has merit. With that in mind I’m going to ask that in response to this post (and really, any post) you frame whatever criticisms you have in the context of furthering the discussion. I have no issue with disagreement. I have issue with using what’s written here as fodder for personal attack. -SARAH

——

A church that I’ve been attending, recently had a sermon that revolved around 1 Corinthians 5. In the passage, Paul admonished a church for their permissive attitudes towards sexual immorality. His solution, found in verse 5, was to “hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.”

Having been raised in churches and educated in Christian schools, I’ve often heard this passage used to browbeat congregations into submission with regards to all things sexual. Sure enough, not five minutes into the sermon the pastor referred to sex outside of marriage as something that was “dirty and shameful.” He went on to talk about sex and erotic thoughts as though simply acknowledging their existence would rot us from the inside out. We were encouraged to flee from anything that would inspire such insipid and dangerous feelings in ourselves until we had walked down the aisle.

At this point, I knew I wouldn’t be attending this church any longer. Sex and erotic feelings are not shameful or dirty. Far from it. Sex is awesome. Really, really awesome. It pains me that some churches continue to preach this harmful and potentially heretical nonsense about an act and desires that God intended as a gift, not a curse. Let me explain.

Physical intimacy (by which I mean holding hands, the horizontal no-pants dance and everything between) is a natural expression of love that was designed to complement the emotional attachment you feel for your partner. The book this site takes its title from would argue that physical contact is just too dangerous to mess with. The logic being, that physical involvement is a slippery slope and that it leads to temptation (where your failure is implied). While I do agree that ideally intercourse ought to be reserved for a marriage relationship, I also think that not having any physical contact with someone that you genuinely care for robs the relationship of a gift intended to build further intimacy and trust between two people. It is a physical expression of the love and commitment that you both feel for each other.

That said, physical intimacy outside of a committed monogamous relationship does cause problems. Sex or any physical act born of erotic attraction, becomes destructive when commitment is removed and it becomes about the act and the selfish desires of one or both people involved. We all instinctively know this on some level. It’s why we feel empty and curiously lonely after we sleep with a near stranger. It’s why people often consume drugs or alcohol just before making those poor decisions. They need something to numb themselves to the unnatural aspects of the act they’re hoping to engage in.

God’s gift of sexuality is unique to mankind and should be cherished, never labeled as something to be ashamed of or dirtied by. Even the angels, another of His awesome creations, weren’t given the gift of sex and sexuality. He gave them amazing celestial powers and seemingly magical capabilities that Harry Potter would envy, but no junk in the trunk or bait and tackle to speak of. That gift he reserved for humans. Why then do some churches continue to associate it with the most negative of human emotions? Are we not aware of the damage we may be causing?

Imagine a 13 year old boy in the congregation struggling with the changes he’s feeling in his body. He’s confused because he heard on Sunday, that if those feelings manifest outside of marriage, their genesis is not from our Creator but from Satan in an attempt to lure us into a life of immorality and ultimately to hell. If the boy can’t somehow reconcile the two he may give up the pursuit of holiness altogether, or miss out on one of the greatest gifts that God has blessed us. All because someone told him at some point that the natural feelings he has are evil and disgraceful.

The church that preaches sex and sexuality as a dirty or shameful thing is both misleading and possibly damaging their congregation. We, as a Christian community, need to get better at discussing and addressing these issues without the guilt and associated red-faced shoe-gazing that currently occurs. Sex and sexuality is a part of our intended design, yet we treat it as something hostile and contrary to our desire for holiness. Arousal isn’t a physical sign of our fallen nature, but a manifestation of the yearning for a gift that our Creator blessed us with. When we feel uncomfortable or uneasy, let’s try to remember that sex is something that all humans past and present, (including Jesus!) have had to deal with at some time. Sex is not dirty, and that feeling in your pants isn’t your groin’s attempts to lead you to hell. Any pastor who preaches otherwise, I believe, is guilty of a lie. The gift can be used incorrectly, but it isn’t an inherently shameful or dirty thing.

What are some of the negative messages you’ve received about sex and sexuality? How does that match up to the idea of it is as a gift?”

-MIKE R

Mailbag Monday

*have a question for IKDH? Send it to ikisseddatinghello[at]gmail.com…we’ll do our best to answer, and might even share it with our readers (with your permission, obvi.)

Dear IKDH:

From the moment I met this guy (lets call him Chuck), our ‘relationship’ was full of flirtation (on both sides) and intimacy (emotional and spiritual.) We spent tons of time together, he paid for me almost always, would meet at my house before church/parties/work/etc. so we could drive together. [I] went with the flow and enjoyed the fun of what I saw as a close friendship that was headed somewhere.

We both worked at church together and people would always ask (both the students we worked with, friends our age, adults, pastoral staff, etc.) if we were dating, going to be dating, that we should be dating, that they loved us together…some even went so far to say “I am so happy you found each other” or make references to our “future wedding.” Every time, we would look at each other, laugh awkwardly, and say “we’re just friends.”

I knew we were just friends, but like I said before, I assumed we were headed somewhere. Until suddenly… he texts me one day and tells me he is gonna ask out a girl. A different girl. As in, not me.

He acted like I should have expected this to happen. I felt so played! Is this the Christian version of friends with benefits? The reason I ask is because we are still friends, not as close as before because we don’t work together anymore, but still see each other often. And he and the girl are broken up now. I tell myself to not get attached again, that if something is meant to happen it will and I don’t need to pursue it, that what he did wasn’t fair.. but then once I am around him again I remember how much he means to me and how much I value him in my life. How do I act? Do I stop investing in him?

—Played in LA

Dear Played:
When I read your email, I actually flinched in pain recalling similar situations with men in the church. I’m sorry that you ended up in a relationship that’s been described one too many times on this site. As you now likely understand, it’s never safe to assume something is going somewhere.  It’s important to have spiritual and emotional support from other believers. But if you’re only finding it in  a guy who won’t date you, that’s not support, that’s co-dependency. Find a group of people who support and encourage you, not a single person who, if he didn’t ask you out in the 6 months you developed such closeness, isn’t going to just because he’s single again. Invest in deeper friendships with women in your church. 

Whether it’s with Chuck or another guy in the future, have the conversation. If he’s pursuing time with you one-on-one, ASK WHAT IT MEANS. It’s not awkward, it’s not asking for a ring. It’s just clarifying intent, and that’s not wrong.

Moving beyond that,  I wanted to scream when I read your account of how others in the church treated this pseudo-relationship. No wonder you kept thinking something would happen—those you do life with were actually encouraging the behavior!

Played—and all of you out there reading—this behavior has got to stop. As a community, we are responsible for keeping each other in check on who we spend time with and to get it back on track when it derails, and not fill each other’s heads with what isn’t there.

When I was a new believer living in Dallas, I truly valued my relationship with our pastor’s wife. I’d get all googly about a boy, and she’d say “Does he Love Jesus?” If I said yes, she’d say “And has he expressed outright interest in you and asked you out?” If the answer was no, or “Um, well, kind of…” I’d know what she was getting at.

This is part of the challenge of living in somewhat homogenous community. Most of us stick with a tight group of people in the same age/socio-economic/life-stage bracket, most of whom do very much want to be coupled and want to see us coupled, too.

We need to start regarding relationships with deeper sense of maturity, and when a friend gets excited, share in that enthusiasm while tempering it with practical and smart questions. Under no circumstances should we be pointing out how cute a non-couple is together, over-dissecting what seems like dating behavior when there’s been no date forthcoming, or planning anyone’s wedding before he put a ring on it.

Friends, what widsom can you share with our friend Played in LA? Do you think we as a Christian community need to do a better job of helping our friends see what is (or isn’t) there? How can we encourage one another in dating while also curbing this kind of behavior?

—KRISTEN

That Thing Girls Do

I grew up in a household of men. I’m one of three girls on my mom’s side of the family, which means that holidays were always spent in the company of 14 other guys. There are some perks to the gig. I get my own room when beds are scarce. I get to be the resident advice-giver when it comes to buying presents for their girlfriends. And I get to sit in on conversations that normally only happen when guys are hanging out with each other.

One of their complaints has been that women sometimes assume they’re mind readers. I always argued that this was a completely unfair accusation. Obviously, I hate to now admit that I totally do this. Proof? This conversation:

Hilary: So are we doing brunch tomorrow?
Me: Oh, Yes! I sort of assumed you guys would know I was in. 
Hilary: Well you didn’t say anything…
Me: Hah! Hmm well, I did nod at my computer. 
Hilary: (shakes head)

Expectations of ESP: 1, Using My Words: 0

-SARAH

Dating 101

A male friend of IKDH posted this as his Facebook status today:

To all females: if a guy suggests coffee or a meal, FREAKING RESPOND TO THE MAN. whether you want to hang or heck no he ain’t gettin your time or you’re confused, give the man a yes, no or ask him a question! whatever your response, GIVE ONE. a straighforward “no” is much better than silence - not knowing is the worst. this friendly message brought to you by AlexEnragedForHisFriends.com.

My first response (in my mind) was “Did this guy ask for a date via email/text/FB? Because we’ve already covered how hard it is to communicate in the electronic age.” Dude, if you did, don’t do it again. Man up and ask in person—her face will tell you what you need to know.

My response (in type) was that though it’s unfortunate, immature, and shows a lack of respect, his friend can assume that silence=no. Down the line in the comment stream (and there were lots of comments) one person said that “[confident women] not saying anything to a guy means a “I won’t say yes right now but perhaps later, which usually means next time, step your game up.”

Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you as a confident woman that we don’t play those games. Smart, strong, independent women know how to say no. No does not mean yes. Or maybe. It don’t mean “slow your roll.” It means back up the truck and pull out of the driveway.

Now, I know that a bunch of you will pipe in with exceptions, and that’s all well and good. But they are just that—exceptions—and as a general rule, men should take a no as a no and move on. You don’t want to pursue someone who’s playing games, anyway!

As to the issue at hand in the original status post: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are asked to coffee, dinner or any other one-on-one hang that’s intentional, do the other party a solid and just answer honestly. If you want to go, great. If not, be kind and firm in your response. IT’S JUST A DATE. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not a proposal and there’s no need to be awkward about it. Really.

Have you ever had to decline a date? Were you able to do so in a way that regarded the other person’s dignity and inherent worth? Share your experiences in the comments!

-KRISTEN

how YOU doin?

Women in urban environments get hit on a lot. Quite honestly it has little to do with how cute a girl looks in a pair of jeans. In the two years that I’ve lived here, I’ve noticed that if a woman so much as glances in the direction of a construction crew she’s guaranteed some sort of response. For those with self-esteem issues I imagine that it’s like Christmas every single day.

This past weekend, I ended up getting cornered by a complete stranger who’d dressed up for Halloween as Viagra. It was hard (hah! I swear that pun was an accident), but I somehow resisted the urge to swoon at his Pfizer sweatshirt, blue wig and drunken state (that would normally result in the use of said pill if it ever came to that).

SIDENOTE - If you’re feeling sorry for yourself that you don’t often get hit on, all I can say is this: Viagra Man is pretty indicative of the sort of guys who normally choose to flirt with me. Aim higher.

SIDENOTE #2 - Mom/Pastoral Staff, if you’re reading this, it wouldn’t ever come to “that”. Promise.

In the wake of Saturday night and my run-in with Viagra guy, I spent some time thinking about flirting. How weird it is. How awkward we can all be. How rare it is to meet someone who you click with, and how great it is to feel like the two of you have a connection that everyone else in the room is oblivious to.

The church shouldn’t ever feel like a meat market. Generally, I think that out of consideration of the larger Christian community that we’re a part of, it’s definitely better to err on the side of caution. Still, I laughed out loud when I thought of Ecclesiastes 3 in the context flirty banter. There is a time for everything y’all, the Bible says so. Never one to argue with canonical truths, I’ll simply go on record and state that for me—despite the citywide efforts of construction workers—the time for flirting is never before the hour of 8am or while you’re testifying to the challenges of erectile dysfunction. Gentleman, do yourself a favor and keep these things in mind.

Funny story about flirting failures? Leave it in the comments. Also, ladies help the fellas out and let them know your thoughts on showing interest sans the creep factor.

-SARAH